your turn

satisfaction
is the beauty of the action
beautiful, unnecessary,
and given traction

pacify me,
and you lose my focus
my gut dropped hopeless
deeper into
meaningless
and i forget what
the real thing
looks like.

come on,
spike my drink
make me forget
how to think
leave my mindful analysis
at the bottom of a delicious mess
so i don't remember
where
the needle went
in that most powerful descent

breathless is a memory
shaken from me

i should not have to ask

i linger on this for one
more
moment

done.

web woven, spun

tag, you're it

magic carpet #9

so,
what's
the space
between your
face
and mine
the line
..crossed.. broken?
spoken
for?
adore,
implore,
not sure.

endure..

so pure,
obscured
the light
less bright
(some kiss
some night)
remember it?
a little.. bit..
decide,
inside.
(i lost my ride
on magic carpet #9
so smooth,
divine
it felt
so fine..)

i am the light by which i write
in whole,
despite
some kiss
some night
a million sparks or
passion fights
my spark
is dark
(yet, that's not right,
i see you
still glowing
in my sight)

i said,
i felt.
these cards, they're dealt
and my wall
so tall
will surely fall

again..
and then

i am too many wonders and whens
sit, watch all my
truths pretend

but

i write three words. i hit send.

what we are not

explosions making
something
pretty
into pity

anywhere but here
i fear
is broken down to nowhere
it is no mystery why
anything is broken down
these days

no sense of amazed wonder
that the spell you were
under
is now
firewood
blazing burning bright into
countless
effortlessly
empty nights
i am here.
you are there
it is much clearer
than i dare
to see.

everything

my absence
is relentless
pulling on the hem
of my dress
like a spoiled child
wanting
more.

blindfold

were you dancing
along making songs
out of rhythms you could
only hear because
you were listening
to my breathing
why was it so
goddamn
incredibly
important
you find me
before,
if now
you are doing
all you can
to lose me

everything happens

whatever reason
the grand cosmic scheme
has for this moment
in time
in relation to my life

it better be a damn good one

unless the universe is one sick f**k

in which case
i hand in my resignation papers
and quit
believing
in
real

coming soon..

how do i see color now
when black and white have ruined it
i look up, i see no clouds
but rain keeps falling, clueless

tasted night upon my tongue
and sure,
it was purely magic
but in the moonlight i've become
something pale, and tragic..

maybe you don't give a damn
maybe you lied.. but..
either way, i'm crumbling
inside

i see there's more ways than one
to find a light inside me
but i have stared into the sun
and all the spots remind me
and all the spots, they blind me..

my wits

my hands make a stance on my hips
my lips
drip with the sound of knowing
my heart's showing
out the bottom of my dress
and yes,
i'm not even wearing one
i may sound fun
but i'm a mess you bet on
then you spit on
then you put your game face on
and you battle my wits
the bits
of wisdom you admit
my light, lit?
who's it?
not me..
i see more than you even ignore
i fell so far
i am no star
not yet
but don't place no bets
i'll make you crazy
i have i do i will and you
i will always come through
for
never think i am not her in your
search for the
obvious
truth
i hope you find me worth what i am
cuz i am so
much
more
than what you came for
i snore,
i make
beautiful everything out of anything you need,
and i
bleed

though i do

deliciously given a rhythm
and i felt it slide
down my back
intact
with the fact that
i move like i'm me
even though the hole is there, see
my thighs, swollen
with the dance i
held i hold i feel i sway
i make nothing feel sane
i stay
i made misery a part of me, then
i
let
it
go
could i do so,
if you let go..
who knows
who wants to know
i don't

breathe

i sit
in the middle
of what i do not want
and ponder
what i have not got
what you are, a lot
(i remember
how i fought)
get up
and dance
around questions
i never wanted
to want answers to
(i remember
how i feel you,
remember
that i do.)

i am worth
every second
of every breath
you take
in between
the words you say
that can't decide
and i know
you're still
breathing.

you are worth
every second
of every sigh
i make
with a million little
sighs pouring
trickling quickly
down the back of my throat
where my heart
is climbing
steadily
up to your
hands

i wish you could find her
she knows too
she's soft, and blue
and understands the nature
of exhaling
in order
to inhale
fresh
air

wait..

my foot
is starting
to get bruised
from every time
the door closes
on it.

it hurts more
and
more
each
time

i imagine soon it will be numb

and someone will have to
grab a hold of me
and pull
me in
a little
harder
if i am to enter,
as i will be dragging
dead weight..

i hope
i come in
before
that
happens

i answer

random beautiful crazy you ask me i answer
not gently, catastrophe,
reason
for everything, tell me, there is.
the sizzle
the bliss, don't leave me
terrified, monster
under
my
bed
his head, appears
bewildered, unclear i am marking my
territory come on let me
implore me
i wander wonder think think cry
decide i am wise
insane
devise no plan
just run really
really
fast
you want this
just ask, i wander out into your asking
and fear the question revoked
at the merciless mouth of a growl
a spark more dark than the light i couldn't leave, right
i fought i fought i fight
for this shimmering, blissful night
untold unfold everything all over, i'm sold
on the fact i can't
let
go
i must know
something about the nature of beauty,
the beauty of nature
i trust me, i take her
into some
crazy
place
and touch her face

choose your own adventure

i exaggerate
indicate
alleviate
deviate
wait
still
waiting..

debating:
is one
wrong turn
really better
than the other?
you go
the wrong way, either way

definition
of wrong:

words-turned-song

dormant

crazy-making

painstaking

maybe sometimes
wrong
is
right?

fight
or say
good night

wise
can be
insane
but crazy
can be
emotion
(blind)
so.. who.. why.. do i

-untitled-

was never satisfied
to become someone's
backup
vocalist
why
would i
be satisfied
now

true or false

who means what
and what comes up
when the word is heard
in the deepest hurt
it's real then,
but when
that's spent,
love makes no dent
it's just empty space you pace
and pay rent
and remember
what you
meant

i know better,
yet her
mind is a
gutter of
false possibilities,
sweet
soft
pleas
why ask me to stay
what goes my way
what is- fuck this,
who cares
this rut
what must come up?
(nothing)
down she goes
this wind
faint
blows

i think i chose

and choices mean reasons
and meanings, and
demons
something to believe in
always
ends
badly.

sadly,
my heart's descent
is a lesson
in knowing
it was
never
meant

a love story

This is a story that Selina began to tell, and the moment will never leave my memory, watching her look into a little dog's eyes with so much love, telling him the story of his life.. I am sorry Selina but I feel like I have to continue telling it now..

..One day, we went to the pet store- we were probably getting cat food, or something, we don't even know now. Of course we had to check out whatever animal they had hanging out that week there.. it was a thing that always had to be done, in any case.. and every time, one of us would say 'maybe i should get that kitten/puppy/rabbit'/whatever adorable thing they had, and then we would, begrudgingly, leave, because of whatever mundane reason we couldn't get it, and go home.
But this one day, we walked to the back to see what was there.. and there were four little puppies..tiny little fluffy puppies. Three black ones, one brown one. Huge brown eyes..and they were sooo damn cute.
So now we knew this one was gonna be hard to leave.. and we stuck around for a while, and these tiny little babies were sniffing and kissing us.. and we were melting.
We find out how much they are, and it's not cheap, so we are, with our common sense, trying to lead ourselves out the door.. telling ourselves how much work and responsibility a dog is, etc. Mundane reasons. But they are the cutest things we had ever seen.. and it is very hard to leave.
There was a tan one, a pure black one, a black one with a little bit of white, and a black one with a little white spike on his head, white little paws, and a white chest and belly. And if we were ever planning on getting one, it would be the one with the spike, we say.. but we go home, finally, at some point..

By the eighth (or two hundred and twenty-seventh) time we had returned to the pet store that week.. I ended up walking out the door holding a tiny little black baby dog with a white spike.. We fell in love. There was nothing we could do about it. He had us at first kiss. :)

I had never, ever had a dog before in my life. So we bring him home.. and there I am.. reading every website and book that exists about puppies.. how to feed puppies, and how to potty train puppies, and brushing puppies' teeth, and giving puppies baths, and what do i feed him and when do i feed him and is that good for him and is this bad for him and what if this happens and that happens and.. basically, I had completely lost my mind and become a neurotic freak. 'THIS DOG'S LIFE IS GOING TO BE PERFECT..I will train him and love him and make him amazing!' . (this would be the point I realized I had better not ever have kids.. or I just might actually lose my mind.)

You would think i would have gotten over that, but I don't think I ever entirely did. This puppy was precious life, and I had never been solely responsible for anyone's life before.. it scared the hell out of me.. but what I was about to get in return was unbelievably worth it.

Eventually, and finally, the little black puppy became known as Thorn.
aka. Thorny, Thorny Q (Thorn E. Q.), Q, Q-dawg, Punk, Puppers, Mr. Puppy, Little Boy, Baby Q, Q.Q, Pork Chop, Baby Dog, Gorgeous Boy, Little Buddy, Boyfriend, Grandpuppy, and a million other combinations and variations of the above..
He also, very quickly, became the puppy of my heart.

One of the first nights we had Thorn, he had fallen asleep on the couch. He was laying on his back.. and making the most crazy loud noises and twitches we had ever seen an animal do.. and we're sitting there, hovering over him.. 'IS HE OKAY?? like..what is he DOING? what do we DO..??!?', practically with the phone in hand, waiting to call puppy 911.. I'm pretty sure we woke him up just to make sure he was okay.. which of course he was.. he had just began to snore, which apparently he did (and continued to do, that's for sure) at a level one would associate with a large old man!

My baby dog had spunk, attitude, and brains, knew the names of all 53789057430 of his toys, and would chatter when you gave him treats, with his little fang sticking out. He knew when you were hurting, and was the best snuggler in the world, I guarantee it. He loved to bug cats, and kiss children, lay around in the sun, and stay up all night running around crazy. He was hilarious, and punky, and frustrating, and awesome, and I am sure he was not really a dog.. as his 3 year old step brother said once, rather than saying we have a dog: 'We have a Thorny.'

I cannot explain to you what he means to me, because none of it is words. It is all the way I felt when he looked into my eyes, the way I felt when he snuggled with me, even the way I felt when he made cute little noises at 6 am cause he had to pee, and I opened one eye to see him wagging and stomping at me.. the way my heart feels right now.. the part of my heart that I will never get back because he stole it. I feel so much more than all of the things I just said.. it is so much more.
Thorny is my best friend, and my true love, my son, and will always be these things to me.

My baby dog fought for his life. We watched him struggle through days of sickness and weakness and come out of them swinging. We had time at home with him when everything seemed to be okay.. he was his awesome little punky self, and I cherished those moments and am so glad I did now.. we lost him though.. and it was the hardest yet easiest decision anyone could ever make, to let him go.

The last moments I spent with him, I made sure I scratched his chin, rubbed his belly, kissed his paws, looked into his eyes, snuggled him.. I wanted to remember every tiny little thing about him.. even his puppy smell.. I took it all in.
It reminded me very much of the last time I physically on this earth saw my dad.. he looked around at my house, my surroundings, my life, as if he would never see it again, and he took it in like it was absolutely the most important thing to memorize, ever.
It makes complete sense to me now. Had I completely understood that I was never to see my dad again, I would have done the same thing with him.
But,
I also wanted my dog to understand how much I loved him.. I think he got it.

I wish I could sing to him again. I wish with all of everything inside me I could hold him in my arms, and steal his toy, and tickle him, and play with him, and kiss his little head, and watch him pull all his toys out of the toy box, and listen to him dream, and watch him run down the beach again.

I love you Q. Thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally. I will miss you for the rest of my life.. If you see my dad anywhere, I hope you give him a cuddle. I always wished he could meet you :)

silence

what word
portrays:

the empty day
the mind's reply
to a speechless sigh
the end's beginning
that began,
grinning,
and ended
(in my head)
as it started
(like i said)

free..

the part of me
you just watched
get set free
is sick
and shamed
twisted
maimed
my eyes are altered
everything
falters
give
up
before
it's
too
late
she said

why not

the last thing
i said to you
i don't remember it

gumboots

a memory (scent) is chasing me down (you aren't.. it is)
i am hunted
it is gaining
and though worth explaining
i won't give wings to your knowing
or leave my slip showing
(though softly, i am speaking secrets,
and they are louder than i know)

the pull of your absence
is suddenly relentless

again, i guess, i know the drill
my might.. my will
(i quit this habit
once or twice
or ten
or twenty
times.. and now,
the sweet rush of the cryptic rhyme
is heaven
and hell
addiction in its
delicious spell)

i invent a mirage
of colorful
riddle
to speak
because i like
to think
it actually
matters
or shatters
some glass wall

it's high as a kite flies
coasting on maybe and might be

(i didn't mean it like that, see?)

the words are nothing until they are
clearer than mud

just one thing

the real thing
a myth..?
a dream
a subtle insanity
to be afraid of

the right thing
a feeling
or impossible
or undefined
unless by judgment

the sure thing
do you fall on it
is it home
is it more real than the myth
you perceived as
golden
if the myth even is

the last thing
i said to you
i don't remember it
is it real
right
sure
anything
something
can anything be
is there just..

a tickle

picture me, walking along
a shore's edge
gazing glazed eyes faced away from a maze
sweet and playing
softly spaces
bewilderment wandered from

i come
out of some girl's little cave
scared, and saved
(a little bit)
nothing to admit

the eye i spy
a mile of tried lies
and i let it all in now
i'm good, i'm fine
shudder shaking what is this? i don't know
let's see
i said

bitten lip
flutter by
moment so whole in our high
depth and width and grace and laughter
so much
laughter
i am found in what i'm after

i am over it,
i said

constant scatter of thought
really? truly, completely, fully
wholly? was i wrong,
this one and only
yes or no, i don't know
but let the record show
i tried..
and now i leave dignified
shadow of a doubt tickling my throat
really truly completely fully wholly ???

but you came too slowly
you came too slowly

your *sentences* were too long
and hard to understand
but it was i who locked myself up
you never confined me
remember? remind me

i am bliss at this time and that time and
i'm fine
i'm good
i'm still accepted as misunderstood,
here
where all is not clear
and i am willing to place this bet, now.
'cause you can't win
if you don't bet

have i convinced you yet
or me

damn it
i see

asked for it

in the back of my mind
the paper is lined
and my hand is cramped
from the rate at which i write

with all of my might
i push against everything
i have grown
to know
this so-called sideshow

i falter
i fall
i
falter
i
fall

i know i'm not
your afterthought
but in the end
i'll be something you did

don't deny it

how a
second between us
seems so long
how a
mile between us
makes this so wrong

how in words
i am strong
yet inside i rely on
the possibility of everyone anyone else
i wear a dress
and wait

and watch fate
as you come and satiate that need
and slowly
unsteadily
crazily
against my sanity
you grow to consume me in a way i wanted randomly
you, relentlessly
and i, helplessly
and this, stupidly
becomes stuck in my throat, sickly

i bit the apple
and now i'm pissed

you don't understand this rage?
here she is,
inside this cage,
gone mad

i've been read the end of this book
why should i reenact the plot

definitely not
because it's all i've got

what have i got

what
have
i
got

nothing,
it's not

stupid stupid girl
what's selfish?.. well WHAT'S HERS..
mine, yours, anything, nothing, sure
she tucks her mind into something obscure
and forgets to exist or be kissed

she falters
she falls

that's not all

fast as you can

i curl up next to chaos
nudge it gently
lovingly
it opens its arms to me
cradles me
entirely

lulled to sleep by wild and sighs and tries, no less
i stare hard into the cracks between this,
and that,
and wait for
what

i fall hard out of a dream i wander sweet into a muse
i listen
i want to roar
i tremble
to hear every note i wasn't listening for
before

i fumble in my pocket for the keys
as if i'm going to leave

then wonder if i should be driving

keys
ignition
rear view mirror

clearer

naturally..

what's supposed to happen
doesn't happen
unless
it's
supposed
to

sounds simple
but
sometimes simple
just
doesn't
click

something like her

i hear
subtle minds
crashing into
the sky

eyes free to ask
words free
to say why

find
no struggle for wonder
as my lips waken
to thunder

so i
(speak)

i, spaced with wakened grace
had been dazed where i laid
but found me

toes tipping off the edge
she
spinning at
the masochism of the
bottom i
grabbed her hand
and
said
'look'

she shook
incessantly

eyes
widen
slowly
turned
up
wild the sky like facing the lie

wide the sky like
nothing she tried

a fool, but she barely knew
it was
all
so
true

nothing like her

turned out

calmer,
now
i
walk out

all this time

want it all
wanted all

made a wall
made it fall

backspace, delete
retreat
rinse
repeat

repeat repeat repeat

(stop)

on your mark

..it's so damn dark
and that proverbial light
in the proverbial distance
is what has
kept me lit,
a little bit,
this whole time.

i only know one thing
this
one brass ring
to grasp at,
with no 'bling'
no diamonds here,
i just
sing

grow wings
for clipping
my words,
the world
i'm barely sipping at this cup and
it's not enough
yes,
no diamonds found
in so much rough

i'm thirsty
damn it
water like sparkling jewels i am
constantly reminded of
the lack
thereof

i laugh,
*love*

so funny i'm the
spitting
image
of the mirage
of myself

a girl,
on a shelf?

(the wizard, the elf,
the dragon someone meant to slay
but she sells seashells somehow,
some way)

i'll go. i'll stay.
is there two of me? four?
she's every-which-way,
then,
so
much
more

you know her?

i do
you heard me.. i do
and not them, or him, or you
'cause there are very very few
who would know what
word i
meant by
true

three,
two,
one..

next

fear rises, i fall
my heart broken slowly i curse my stupidity
in one moment i am nothing
at all
but i've said this before
i'm sure

a million pieces to pick up
and i am
crying over
spilled milk
like it
actually
matters
don't mind what shatters,
she said

no such luck

how does it
falter
how do i
fall
i fail
after all,
this tale
less fairy than i
clamor to admit
so
exactly
it
i barely want to scream
this rip
this seam
come apart all you want
my edge
frayed
taunt
this is ALL just not
what i want
to be sought
tell me why
do
i
beat my head against a lie
that i clamor to construct

linger, where..

i've
inhaled the incandescent scent
tasted the silver kiss
lingered
and
ran my fingers
through
twenty nine
seasons
of summer nights

(on tricycles and bicycles
climbed trees and hills and breezes

traced a world in clouds
made giggles out of sunshine

softly tickled by grass
arms wide open to the sky

discovered dusk in my hair
found twilight
somewhere
over there

golden lips,
the moon a candy in
some warm wind

water breathless
on my skin)

so

why

does every hint
of every time
i go
outside
(every time
i sense
the air or
smell the
sun
or find no word to describe the
exact color of
the sky
or breathe
firelight
in)

out of all twenty nine season's worth
of things to remember

why

am i
only
reminded
of
one
summer

just
one..

(yet:
in this light
my feet stumble over night

and i
find it hard to
read
the word 'linger'

when my fingers
so
slowly
gently
run
through
something
so
unraveled in my
enrapture
i,
so sweetly
captured,
i
admit)

and
i
don't
get
it

to make the moment, feel breathless?

to forsake the made moment
for the reason i linger, in feeling breathless..?

who feels what
in the last sense of anything
why are you
the last thing
in my sense of absolutely nothing
*suddenly moonlit*
while i feel something
else..

why is this
so much more than nothing
what is
anything

who
are you/are they/am i

sigh

wandered into wonder

under cover
some kinda lover
lingers on the tip of
my tongue
as a word that is spelled with
notes and the scent of
flowers
under me
something cowers,
a glowing omniscience
tries not to speak
but tires of
being
weak

the last time i tasted that
it made sense
if i spat
but now i savor
it
and wonder,
why

then
there is the issue of the
flavor
of my wonder
wonder of my flavor
deliciously
dangled
peripherally
dancing
make no sense of the sense of my making
painstaking,
i wander in the view of partaking
and frolic carelessly until i care
i can't tell
if you stare

is it candy i want?
and why

i read:
do not enter,
caution
and i stand peering in with
hungry eyes

some kinda lover.

little miss omniscient
stomps out screaming

some kind..

the taste is possibly nothing or something,
but i'll tell you one thing
sometime

one last hit

my light
gets a little bright
with every
sudden
hint

i taste it
waste no
subtle breath
on any
fire
unlit

behind me
there
still feel
the stare
of eyes
whose burn
has
quit

i trace
the tip
of me where i
just can't
seem to
forget

in circles i
so boldly go,
a world..?
can't measure it

there's empty space
it's in
my hand
and i can't
make this
fit

i've walked
away
for real
i stay
here, i
will lay
a bit

it's mine
this sigh
'cause my laugh won't try
to find
that one
last
hit

the whole of this
has found
no kiss
more sad
than i'll
admit

im bored..

i mindlessly indulge
you
whether or not it's see-through
clearer than clouds,
everything in the sky
(this is a song you have not heard)

i can look at either side
top or bottom
different view

it LOOKS like i could
stand on them
bounce lightly off them,
run freely
feel softness on my bare feet
nevertheless,
not free fall through miles of blue
and
crash.

and looking up,
it's far far far away
cotton candy, purer though
something you see glow
but can find gray
so
quickly
something of appearances
deceiving,

i don't
trust
it
i don't
at
all

a girl says:

whatever she feels like

a girl says
don't waste time faking rain
i'll taste the difference

don't you have better things to do..

i'm easily distracted
and about to tire
of this view

somebody

deliciously suspicious
(at the back of my mind)
and if i'm
inclined
you'll find, entwined
in the rapture
and the maze
my twinkly
eyed
gaze

(this might be a phase,
insufferably glazed
by the heart
of discontent
cause it's not
what
i
meant,
to
ANY
extent)

such unplanned things
sometimes,
grow wings,
but
this girl sings
and she
can't
forget
this

in the
wake
of some 'bliss'
that another girl
missed

oh no,
i insist
i'll trip over it
kick it around a bit
savor it
and then,
admit
whatever it is
i make
of
it

the right thing

do i only
want things
when i
'can't
have
them?'
...

or is
that just
coincidence

oh,
and define
'want'
for me
someone please..
even me
is it wild or definite??

i ponder
the motive
and realize
that i HAVE wanted what was
attainable
before..
in the past..

so..

am i
barking up the wrong tree..
simply to justify my bloom?

what happens
if i
pick
the flowers

just add water..

i summon, i will
all of it
but it's spilled milk,
nothing
though, it is something
i forgot to clean up
and
its scent
lingers

(now i place my fingers
gently
on the
medium of choice
the voice
i choose
to use
to emancipate my 'blues'
or some other sorry story
of some
wicked sick excuse)

*who falls in love
with
imagination, or a plaything,
or an answer never given,
a rhythm hidden,
a chain of
unparalleled events,
a sweet disaster
sitting on the fence,
or an
inappropriately dressed frog..?

(this
distraction from the lack
of ability to distract
leaves the burden of
action completely intact
and the last
reaction?
was not
based
on fact)

*this is who:
an illusionist, or an idiot,
or one who solves riddles,
a dancer,
a thrill seeker,
one who flirts with disaster,
or an
inappropriately dressed princess

just shut up.

i don't know
so i let go.

not even prying my fingers
off
the rope
this time,
they release
at once
with ease.

no 'come on',
or 'please'

my melodramatic fanatic
is tired
uninspired
she rests.

it's best

she whispers, 'i guess'

i turn to look
at her,
scowling
at her pouty, indignant face
she like the child denied candy
who i
desperately try
to send to

her room

make art out of it! stop making so much noise
and whining all the time,
my head is about to explode
from every little thing
you
want.

the girl won't let go

but i do

as it comes

foot
steps
coming
i hear
them
apprehensively
they
echo
off my
heart

i capture the
low tones
in my hands
cradle them
gently
into
sounds
let them out
my
throat

i peel
the high tones
off
of my heart
and slowly
carefully
smooth them on to
the most
sensitive
parts
of my skin

the echo
is almost
a sound
i believe in

into the view
of my downcast eyes
a pair
of
feet
come..

i made a mistake
in the spirit's wake
shackles
that
never
break

clumsy.. i guess

ever woken up
to discover
an unmistakably
huge
dark
throbbing
bruise
on your body
and wondered
how or when the hell you could have fallen
that hard
and not noticed
or remembered?

to sea/see

i hit and miss
or barely exist
yet still
crawl out from
the cool shade
of some kiss
i desist

i make truth
out of dare
speak in tongues
dance in words
slip a sentence
in my pocket
i barely heard

crumpled and dog-eared
i pull it out now
stick it in a bottle
and send it out

gonna be okay

eyes don't close
i suppose
when the sight is seen
in the mind
no sleep for the blind
distress is again
and again
and again

too much

when one ventures into
fainthearted realities
of love
eclipsed by
unexplained stagnation
as a distractive motion
against deeper sickness
it's a sad night

everything is a disease now

it's not even blank, it feels black

i cower
and hide behind
rainbows
and then bitch that i can't see indigo, violet
find solace in that while it
lasts

terrified of me now
this girl wanders out into words
light, anyone
screams so loud you'd never hear

dizzy

i move
to
some sweet rhythm
or some
sick trance
either a joke
or a dance
with which i could not
rightfully rhyme
but may move
in time

i saunter over to
the other side of the room
approach the punchbowl
dread the punchline,
pull my punches

i usually like jokes
i usually take chances

and who
can explain
what this
spinning entranced
is

(there's an end to a song
there's a reason for dances)

step
forward
back
extend
retract

danced
spun
around
and if the joke is the ground

(i'll let go before you do)

you may be laughing,

but i'm dancing

so i guess i take my chances

squatter of the mind

wait.
wonder wander sit debate
think thoughts always unbroken unspoken
undone overdone simply
done
and who won

wonder, or wander?

sit wait waste squander
ear to the wall
something nothing standing tall
deliciously mouthed at the sky
like 'why', but soundless
and more sudden

talk sit live breathe speak i just
can't listen

shhh..

out of the
394872 words
clamoring to leave
my mouth
i am curious
which are about to
win

viole(n)t

i laughed
like i meant it
spent it
(the time)
being seven shades of real
and two feet to the left of 'feel'

i made
solemn vows
of silence
(for now)
allowed
nothing made of something out
not even
one
pout

there are
dots on my i's
crosses on my t's
(eyes full of 'please'
..but i'm not sure
whose
those are
so far)

my mind?..

what i find
under a couch cushion
or behind a rock
or, in my pants pocket
in a constellation
in between the lines
or under the dirty laundry pile
in words not said
next to the milk
to the left of my last thought
somewhere before yesterday
under a leaf
peeking out of a smile
between 'oh' and 'well'
buried in the garden
under the shoots
behind the fridge
with mothballs and pennies

is never what i was looking for at the moment,
but usually something i was looking for before.

so

if i lose something else,
after i lost the first thing
shouldn't the first thing appear?

however, the plucking of petals shall not affect the verdict.

i am not iced
(i am.. noticed)
or sliced
though, variety is the spice..
'they'
say,

of wanton desire
i am no longer made

and without all the ingredients,

i fall flat
at high temperatures.

adventure may have been mentioned
in my last sentence
or two
but upon review,
grammatical
errors
were found

improper use of personal pronouns.

for me
to be
consumed
is a matter
of taste

when i offered a piece of me
it was an exclusive offer

though tasted
and had
i'm about to go bad
in this state

on this plate

i don't bake..

and 'you'

could not be
replaced
by
any
other
personal
pronoun

are we there yet

she
feels
the wind
at the beginning of her grin
a tiny little light
glows

no one
knows
for sure
about her, she's
impossibly
impatient

is
the time
right
yet
is it
is it...

she wants to
fly

i might drown, but i'm okay with that

who can manage this sense of crazy
without remembering
every little
wicked, mythical twinkle

am i the only one?

if so,

you know

i'm not a puppet

but i'm
in perpetual
fascination
with the
truth

(and the
everything
that you know
that no one else does
but shhh..)

i don't have strings
so don't try to pull them
it's a waste of energy
and time

wicked, mythical twinkles
rock
my
boat

make me float

draft #78

lonely
lips
my hips
make lies out of sighs, i try
it works
a curse, of sorts
the more i listen
the less
i kiss
and the farther away closer seems to come

run? what from?
my solace is a mystery
misery
bred by opinion
and shallow distinction
i'm all over the page
with intense revisions
and decisions
left unmade
a bed to lay in?
make mountains out of misfits
and molehills out of mayhem
'i'll stay, then'..

i'll make it,
no waiting
i crossed you out,
debating
but i let you.. now
cause it's all
that's allowed
the heart's murmur lingers too loud

clarity is the fool's objective
that the moment will gladly provide
i'd rather see it from your side

get lost, or get gone

if i find myself standing on
the border between laughing
and disaster
lose the map
set the trap
call it even
when believing
(in something i have no knowing why)

and
with nothing
that makes sense in my
pocket

what IS all this??!?
words:
like i'm supposed to make beautiful truths
and use poetic justice
to coat you with sugar??

pocketful of
candy
not so much

melodramatics (they suck)

maybe
i'm crazy
but have you looked
at me lately
a million things
breed something
without
wings
inside of me
i am
so
sorry.
under certain
circumstances.

but if
they don't
exist...

i don't care

if they DO
i am
unaware
and need
to be
made
clear

life is not a beach, but it certainly isn't a rope swing, either.

death grip,
find release.
unentangle myself
from
the
knots
i twist
yeah,
the ones
that barely
exist
it is sheer imagination
and poetic
breathlessness
that bind
the ties
i can't
realize

pry each
finger
off the rope
with all
my
might
till they all

let go

and the blood comes back into
each
finger
which hurts,
but that'll go away.
i try
to
remember that.

(this is my last resort
and it's not a warm, beautiful place
that's for sure)

let go..

NOW...

(a rope swings in the wind

back
and
forth

no one sees it
but me)

what i got

i don't want to anymore.

i don't want to watch life go by in a series of blurred out messy entanglements.

i don't want to watch people do things with little to no cognizance of how it affects others.

i don't want to watch myself do things with little to no cognizance of how it affects others.

i don't want to WATCH, at all.

i don't want the pit of my stomach to turn at the realization of things unrealized.

i don't want to see my pieces strewn around me anymore.

i don't want to wait or wish or want or hope for.

i want to pick them up,
and put them together

the pieces
of
wait wish want hope

make
a mosaic
of what
i
got

a lot
a lot.

soon

(now)

cliche (in all ways)

somebody somewhere lit a fire
i simply
tried to admire
but it
just got
higher

the closer i got
the warmer i became
and the warmth
remained
so i stayed
in the
game

this is not the first time i've referenced flame

but burning is bullshit
sparks made of myth
and what i know now,
i'll extinguish it with

sometimes the cold is a beautiful gift

side note

for your information,
that was a live broadcast of
'delusional stupidity', a brief,
yet riveting series of clips.
we will now return to our regular programming,
'reality'.
thanks for watching.

black or white

spinning around
in
awe of design
and baby,
..it's fine
that none of it's mine
but i wonder
..sometimes
if maybe
you'd mind

(if so inclined)

silly girl whines
about 'finding real'

paints pictures of
fear on her hands,
love in her head
instead

she knows though.
no matter how realistic
it won't jump off the canvas
ever

but it is of no help
that random moments of
wishful thinking
and coincidental nothingness
happen to be a
beautiful shade of azure blue
and deep jade green
if you know
what i mean

back and forth

my socks
sometimes
match
my eyes
are
sometimes
green
and i don't take everything seriously
but when i do,
i do

this feeling
is
something
surely,
even if the something
is
nothing

if my mind
were a body
(because
it isn't
it just
inhabits one)
it would
be pacing

my thoughts
sometimes
match
my eyes
sometimes
see
and i can't
take anything
seriously
now

i just remembered

the ride

i go along for it
while trying to ignore it.
is that like lucid dreaming,
or sheer insanity?

'free'

it's been said
now i can tread
water where it makes more sense
(at what expense?)
i asked for it,
a little bit
it's good, i should make light of it

its weight
is nothing
not at all
i climb
i wait
i stay
..i fall

free, the fall
just me and air
i feel
the wind
(but then.. i'm bare)
the wind
is chilled and
now
i'm
scared

maybe i wasn't thinking, there...

missed

i'm not making an educated guess
'cause i know nothing
about it
and there's still blood
from my stabs in the dark

the key word is never

everything i never
is no real endeavor
but i forgot
was triggered (i blame your finger, my gun)

i gather all the little things with wings
the messes
the enchanted intentions
'dimensions'

tell me again..louder this time
make me fear
being a fool
at least they're called upon to feel real

this is no one's fault but my own

the little things, flown
the messes, cleaned
intentions mean

and the 'dimensions'?

in my head

besides..that's what was said

(i never listen)

yours

my value
as a person not a place or thing
my value
in sense not cents
fully completely entirely but not limited to:

pocketfuls of effortless sounds
handfuls of tumbling words
a thought's breath of rhythm
miles and miles of sparks flying
answers full of questions
one continuous thought
amidst a million beautifully scattered truths and
mysteries
endless unexplained crazy
the ability to make unrequited desire a
poetic trance of understood
love, light, dark, sight and the lack thereof
and
a soulful of me

and the two cents i pay to hear
your two cents
is not
enough

cause i want more than two cents

and

i have more to offer

and

so do you

tangibly abstract

you know when you
see something out of the corner of your
eye and then you
turn to look directly at
it and
it's gone

and you go on

was it there?

(..and

is it

still?..)

when i said crazy, i meant it

words lie
through their very nature
the intention of a sentence isn't missing if you meant it,
but anyone can spend a second inventing its direction

which i won't even mention

perception is a foolish game
with no one
but me
to blame
in the final end

i won't pretend
i don't have a path or two to follow
but i anticipate
the same
bitter
pill
to swallow

for me?... was it

am i even fluent in the same language as you?

i'm reading a map, upside down and sideways

i'm reading the map like it leads to MY 'home'
i'm getting somewhere or nowhere, i don't know

i say words i understand, in a language i think will make sense

i listen to words i think i understand
in a language
that makes sense to you..

give me one reason to stay here....

what part of when makes me know if it exists

no word is direct, or kissed

do i read a story i wrote?

and if so

do i even know how it ends

how much of this is foolish fit-the-pieces-where-i-THINK-they-go?

or what i know

some little bit of forgotten you
needs to tell me if i am
gullible
or
magical

lies

silence
the virtue i lack
even when silent
the act
is loud
and smacks me like i've come loose
or been set free
and i scream
(yet, so quietly)
some endlessly merciless possibility
into the pungent
thick
space
we use to attract
whatever it is we 'want'
(a term loosely used..
often confused)
with what
we
don't

things not heard

i could laugh
but the sound is the same as
everything else
that ends

'i just want back in your head'
is the catch phrase
from the song
i keep hearing
and all i want
is for that to
not
be
true.

if i run really hard
and fast....

i have to
i have no reason not to

i want to hide
but the bare naked nature of expression does not allow for it
right now
i don't know why, how

let go of the ratio
of things not said
to things not heard
cause a paper bag is never a bird
no matter how much you feel some random unrelated need to see it that way

ok. i'm done now
sorry

i am drinking wine.
i am running out of sane things to think.
none of this is metaphorical
or gets to the point
but it's all relative

abracadabra

the center
of the earth
is
crumbling
and
pulling
everything
into
itself
in some
last ditch
effort
to
pretend
the end
is only the beginning.
which it is

by osmosis

just keep me at
arm's length and hopefully i
won't
light you on fire

i'm not even sure
the length of my arm
is long
enough,
i hope yours will do

if beauty
found
in a flower
could transform me
by osmosis
i'd pick it
and stick it in my hair but
something else
is
already there

(that line. drawn where? right, i LOST it. in my hair.
i forgot it was there)

i've now
tripped over
fell off
choked on
and lost

'the line'

perhaps crossing it is not the answer

(a field of daisies...and i can't touch it)

a million whiles

i stand awkwardly
in the doorway and smile
some difficult wish effervescing ridiculously
all over me
from the mouth of an unintended miscreant
but
paler tragedies have met the lips of this regret
and none of them even
truly tragic
and the havoc
played out, in style
is the last of a million whiles
by default

i stand
surreptitiously
in an alley
surprising me
not particularly interested in the dark, though
when it is simply a lack of light

funny

i'll sit right here
making real of myself
and make fun of your instant regret for my existence
'cause i'd much rather laugh

i wandered out into some
clearly unchartered territory and

somehow
discovered myself plucking petals
in a field of maybes
which happened to be a deep
shade of
some color i never wanted to see

a story (a rest stop)

some dark alley some stupid night
and chills of sleep wishes of deep running through me
my feet walking as i'm waking from some bleary eyed mess
eyes worse for wear
tattered

a stranger, something in his hand
a candy, me intrigued, i take it
i taste it

continue on walking
home
(not a place though
i was nowhere
then)

i arrive somewhere starving
and miraculously
discover a feast
before me

ravenously i devour it
but in my malnourished state
didn't realize i was
dreaming the feast
..didn't even know i was sleeping..
awoke with a shock, head spinning

empty empty empty nothing

this is when
i remember the taste
of the candy and
for the sake of my blood sugar
for the sake of distraction
from hunger
i go

the stranger, not so strange anymore
hand out, candy in it
in
my
mouth
now

real is what...??

i am

this whisper
is the sound
of the waking
inside

and it makes the loudest
sound
of whatever on earth i've
ever heard
and not even a word

a deep native murmur satiates
the subtle disintegration of silence

the call to invoke
a birthright

the sound that surpasses any moment of desire by miles

a whisper that tastes of a scream
and means
i hear
it

two girls collide in a forest. will anybody hear...

some girl, her lantern so mildly intensified
(much like her eyes)
wanders through the shadowy dark, trees
make shapes in her clouded gaze in ways that
intrigue her to 'see'

makes her way with:
an empty wish for incandescence
two thirds of a heart
a dull axe (to slay what is not 'real')
and a poorly preconceived notion of the word 'feel'

she leaves a trail of something stale
bread crumbs?
they were...
for sure
but led anyone in circles
who dared to follow
and so
not a soul to truly find her
truly.

(another girl,
setting fire to the trees
behind her
was not noticed)

one could find
some girl
upon taking the wrong turn,
and smacking unwittingly into her, full force
knocking her down
finding her a pale remnant of a frown
laying there, dazed, not aware of a thing
a complete lack of light
with a complete lack of fight

one would, in that circumstance, meet
'some girl'
not
'a girl'

where some girl leaves bread crumbs
a girl leaves fairy dust on fire

and when they finally fell into each others arms,
exhausted,
i sighed

it's about time

instant regret

i'm not running in either direction
with any intention
not sitting entrenched in
whatever's unmentioned

the sound of real kept bouncing off the walls
the stalls
and who plays pretend
towards some 'end'
and extends that till
never never land lets me in
come on, read that again
make assumptions about it, you know you want to

i began to speak these words
when i knew the world was about to end

'the world', sick
how sick is that
i was never even up to bat? awesome

i don't even care to go in any
direction
ever
again

i'll sit right here
making real of myself
and make fun of your instant regret for my existence

nevermind wrong place wrong time
that was my problem