Wednesday, July 27, 2011

this is not poetry and I am not calm

I came home with a vengeance today, ready to fight the world with words, yet I realized I would only be fighting with myself, struggling to express that which is killing me in a form I would be satisfied with, which is not an easy task, yet is the main driving force behind everything I do. Meaning my core being is not an easy task to conquer, though I don't know that I am something to be conquered. That metaphor/idea quite honestly could be the key to my problems, right there.
Problems. Right.. this is why I'm here. Trying to conquer myself. This will not be poetry, but I think I already was trying to say that. Besides for when I said it in the title.
(Do people wonder who even reads their blog? Am I just a self absorbed twit for thinking about it? Half of me is a sick little exhibitionist and feels an explicit need to flash you her most deepest dirty laundry barely dressed in poetry, and I have no idea why. Because I'm an 'artist'? Is that what all 'artists' feel? The other half would prefer my words go lose themselves in cybernothingness for the benefit of me venting. Either way here's my words and I mean them, if you've stumbled upon them, I guess you wanted to, or maybe you were supposed to, and it seems I will not be satisfied either way anyways, so I don't really need to know that you are here.)
Anyways. So I'm pissed off. And hurt and stuff. PLUS pissed off that I feel like I don't have the right to express my hurt and pissed off ness cuz really, I should be made of stone and never feel a thing, this is how shit works in my world. Feel and you shall be punished. Allow yourself to feel and be happy about it and WHAM! Heeeere's something you can feel-
first confusion, then hurt, then maybe some lack of understanding, emptiness, anger, throw a pinch of apathy in there, maybe some disillusionment, betrayal, disbelief, outrage, fucking bullshit heart break, there I said it, and endless amounts of other dark tragic bullshit feelings.
See? Feel all you want, there's no end to the multitudes of situations in your life that can be hijacked by all this shit at the very moment you might possibly maybe kinda a lil bit just fucking slightly feel  ...happiness.... joy?... in something... ohbutyoucanwriteMUSICaboutthisnowisntthatwhatartistsTHRIVEontomakegoodstuff? ...Fuck right off.
Guess what? this fucking tattoo on my arm? It's supposed to represent the meeting of divinely created and inspired musical creation coming from my being at the same time as entering and living in a divinely blessed, two-whole-people-coming-together to make a union of love. Yeah. That's right, it doesn't just mean 'oh you love music how cute!' (Nor does it mean I'm a fucking unoriginal catty lil you know what who saw my tattoo on the arm of another girl musician in town and then proceeded to get the same damn thing tattooed on myself. But that's a whole other story of grrr that I may or may not get more pissed off about here sometime.) basically: I want to experience the reality of combining my life passion at a level of actual creation that is real, with an actual, real relationship (with a completely real in every and all senses of the word real, person) that I can sincerely say is fulfilling me/them and growing us.
SO THEREFORE.. I have no interest in fuckin SUFFERING for my art. It's not necessary and I want to know this for fact. so fuck off with the hey, every struggle is a lesson and makes you stronger and makes you have more to say through your art hallmark card cheezy ass motivational motherfuckin bullshit! I can be divinely inspired by so much that has nothing to do with yearning, wanting, needing, missing, wondering, confusion, frustration, unrequited desire, and played out heartbreak. Divine inspiration doesn't even come from the same place as any of that shit.
So if there is anyone out there, in my sphere of guides and/or angels, whatever in the hell is orchestrating this wild mess of bloom and crazy that I am.... please reprogram me to divine inspiration and real actual love.
I. AM. DONE. with anything else!!!!

On another note, not necessarily so unrelated I am sure.
To those of you who in the recent and not so recent past, have affected my life greatly in similar forms.
In the not so recent past,
there was a 'you' who had, in your way, slipped past checkpoints in my mind and or heart and or soul and or every damn thing, eventually. With the subtle grace of words that read me and make me laugh which if you know me in any fashion whatsoever, is the absolute thing I more than adore, drop me to the floor, it is the make or break in the do I like..no no, really really like this person. With natural ability to wander around the facets of a million pieces of life like it's nothing yet so something. You, slipping through checkpoints in my multidimensional being, over and over again yet then: you ever so swiftly snap every last connection made with the same intensity and effectiveness.
Basically.. here you are.. now you're gone. Oh, what's that? You were wondering where I went? Don't do that, oh and while you're down there wondering wtf just happened, just stay there, don't I look better from here?
Don't ask me to care, even if I act like I do now. I won't later, it's a trick. Or something.

And it's the 'or something' I used to get stuck on like choking on a big chunk of... bullshit, really.
I have now...finally... realized you are not capable of ever not breaking my heart even if you don't mean to.
So I let youinafairytale go, many many moons ago... and let you know you were a fuckin complete asshole to me. And you were.

So that bullshit, I do not accept now. From anyone..
(here's a completely different 'you' I'm gonna introduce. character number two.) especially from you, yeah, YOU.
There was no trick here, at least there shouldn't have been. Who brought the fuckin rabbit, and where the fuck is the hat. Seriously..I'm fuckin pissed at the fact that I can't even explain how pissed and yes.. HURT I am... yeah I feel shit like that! Wow!... anyways, where the bloody hell did you go?? and what makes it okay for you to just wander off into the metaphorical No-No land of no cell service where you also happen to go blind, deaf, mute and invisible and also forget where I live? I missed the memo I guess.. the one that would have warned me of the lost connection, and yeah, that's supposed to be a cheezy metaphor, because it's freaking true. I don't deserve that... am I retarded for thinking we were actually like.. for real friends? I actually feel like a grande supreme asshole for ever saying shit like 'I could totally count on him for anything like anytime I needed to' out fuckin loud, based on the sudden veer onto Apathetic Asshole Road you've seemed to take. Yeah I know you don't give a fuck about anything, blah blah fuck the world etc but that's not what I'm saying.. jesus christ, I am fighting with metaphorical 'you' here.. oh the irony. Anyways. I don't get it.. and most of all, I'm sad that I don't matter to you anymore, suddenly, do I even know what the hell is going on with you at this moment, no I couldn't even venture to guess, not even close (that sucks! it really does).... and I absolutely truly don't know why.  And let's top that off with the Idontfeelcomfortableaskingyouwhatthehellhappenedcuzyoulljustsaynothing- flavored cherry....
That's as pathetic as I'm allowing myself to get in words right now... gotta put me back together before anyone notices that I care.. and I miss you. Yeah I do but... whatever.

What the fuck ever..
do I feel better
about ANY of this shit,
now that I full on ranted?
I don't know.
sigh.