i speak of dreams that ride on sheep (relentless, wander in my sleep)

an eyelash on my finger
and i make a wish blow it away
what would i even say
what would i even do
what would i even dream anymore
if i got it

i spin spin spin round
some disaster goes faster
tumble to the ground (and then you say.. i think we're alone now)
sometimes players fail to play
and then the game is over

my latest melodrama, the fun new trend (skip to the end)
i was never after
some fake discovery of laughter
is it? though? i don't know
nothing is written in anyone's stone
and no one's cover is anywhere blown
and everything's nothing
so i'll just go home
pace the floor, pretend i soar
make the wildest of my fantasies dance freely in the recesses of absolutely nowhere
so
bored..

maybe i'll sing too
that much, i know to be true.
words on my lips, blow it away
what would i even do
what would i even say
what would i even dream,
anymore
maybe i wouldn't
be
so
bored

pure

i kinda like how innocent we've become
though we come from somewhere
sewn and strung
out, sometimes
fate makes faces at me
glaring, tearing mended spaces set free
i think i see
things in mirrors
way too clearly for my fear
and then i make a story folded
try to open without warning
(this will all be gone by morning)
childlike wonder trumps what i allow
and now i wonder why, or how
as i laugh and stumble out of here
wet and cold and crystal clear
no matter what i said before
i lie
i wander towards the door

the end

rolled the dice.
landed
took the chance, and
moved
forward

(i may not ever
forget your number
but in a while
perhaps
forget everything else)

did not pass
goodbye
or collect two hundred
of anything

perhaps i am now free, though
even so
i now, suddenly,
feel the creases
and folds
in the paper
that holds
you and i

the feel of a delicious yet unspoken lie
words i swallowed to get to the sweet

and that taste
melts
slowly
off
my
tongue
like any intended farewell
must have also

back to the game
i know where your piece goes,
back to where you started
where the green green grass grows

where you can now admire your
white picket fences

that will thankfully keep me from knowing
or caring
ever
again
if the grass there really
is
greener

i roll the dice

peace

speak now
or forever hold your peace
(whisper,
or mumble,
at least..)
because someone's
sweeping up
this very room
with a broom
that is coming
very
very
close
to my feet

though not complete,
the lie runs dry with
something sweet
waited in too many
weighted spaces
broken places into
tiny little multicolored
peaces,
inspired
more tired
this heart is mindless
spiral wired
everywhere
she said,
and smiled

speak now
or forever hold your peace
please,
at least,
say something
or,
don't

someone
will

you used to

shimmer in the glass
i now struggle to look past
catch me stuck
on a glance
enthralled
entranced

make no become yes
before i could ever
confess

draw my lips to your face
without question
seduction
without suggestion

anticipate my sigh
catch it in your eye
melt it in your hands
on my skin
let it sink deep
within

dance with my words
make the space between them
heard

let your gaze twinkle
with giggles
no sound could make
no eye could fake

redefine my heart
in a sentence
dream my scent
like you meant it

make galaxies vanish
and universes bloom
(in this very room)

smile
at me
like i
was a million
fantasies

gaze at
our
sky
with wonder at such
beautiful
stars
forget where we are
because
'we
just
are'

and now
we
are
so
very
very




far

you used to

a list

my heart is the last thing
on a list i am making
on a breath that i'm taking
and sighing
my hands are uncovering
something i'm hiding
i'm slowly now, flying
inciting a riot
loose ends that don't tie
they're not mine
they are dying

now i
put every
word
note
depth
song
look
stare
flutter
long
skin
scent
dizzy
sigh
truth
wild
real
eyes

in a box
that locks..

mapless

(this is not mine.. but i wish it was)

I am lost in his eyes.
The static of love,
The sea drowns my cries.
The ground erupts
The silk of his hair.
The stranger at the door
The power of prayer.
The taking from the poor
His heartbeat is strong
The mind is wasted.
The paper is wrong
The truth isn't tasted
I'm stuck in a crowd
The ingrates are full
The silence is loud.
He winks at me twice
The mountain top falls
The man is of mice
The cowardly calls
Its walk is a beacon
The homely are risen
The doorman is weakened.
The passion is driven
I look in his eyes.
The fire listens
The holy man sighs
The waterfall glistens
Its life is a wave.
The lilies in bloom
Its world is a rave.
The dog leaves the room
The footsteps are wet
The fear is despise
It walks with no net
But I'm lost in his eyes.

*The author of this poem recited it to me on my doorstep.. and I demanded she write it out for me as I fell in love with it.
She will remain anonymous :)

not now

i will
pretend
i have
nothing to say

it's easier
in some way

when words
are my
form
of play,

they must be rationed.

although there are more than anyone would ever need
(here)

truly you are

sometimes
things don't
really feel
the way
or do
what you
expect them
to
though you
react
enact
retract
though truly

you are

left
intact

every second

we were not designed
to waste this moment
or hold it down
or let it control us
we could be smiling, facing the sun
surely unaware of
and blissfully trusting in
what comes
not spending every second
emphasizing the last one
allow the taste to dance freely across the tongue
no matter what it is
if it pleases you
why question the definition of its flavor
why wonder how it'll taste later
somehow just
savor

trust

one tires
of looking in a mirror
inspecting for truth
making sudden movements
as to catch a glimpse
of what is

ritalin or prozac. i don't know

i can't deal with doing almost anything for longer than ten minutes without completely losing interest and thinking of a million other things i would rather be doing and going halfway to insane if i have to do whatever it is i'm doing for one second longer.. i cannot focus on the task at hand, whether or not i like to do what i'm doing, it doesn't matter, i will distract myself with the first thing i can find, if necessary.
(yet i can get stuck in one thought for weeks and never find my way out.)

i can't stand to stay in one place for longer than an hour. i get up and leave, drive, go anywhere, nowhere, just drive, just to go be SOMEWHERE other than where i was..(and why does driving make everything better? because everything around me is constantly moving? it feels like i'm doing something, getting somewhere, accomplishing something, why?? because the world around me is changing?............
.........it feels like nothing else matters but what i am doing.. and maybe THAT'S something..)

i can't remember what i said, or even what it was about, ten seconds ago.
(yet i can remember with exact clarity, intensity and meaning, what you said five months ago.. two years ago..)

i can't pay attention to one thing for longer than ten minutes (i have five tabs open right now, and i keep coming back to this one when i get sick of the other ones.. ie. every two minutes) without wandering off in my mind or the world into who knows where that has nothing to do with anything..
(yet i can listen to the same song on repeat for days. weeks. and continue to pay total and complete attention to everything about it and seemingly never ever get bored.)

i can be raging pissed off in one moment, and five minutes later have nothing to say about it because i'm just not mad anymore.. be totally insanely happy, and the next minute have no recollection of how i could have possibly been that happy, 'cause that girl is gone.. know exactly what to do about something, and in the next moment have no idea how i could have possibly felt good about doing that, and have no desire whatsoever to do it.
(yet, there are things i just can't seem to ever let go.)

is it my world or the world around me that needs to change in order to not feel crazy.. (aren't they the same thing?..)

sigh..

at the seams

satisfaction is the action
but i
must
not
act
so i stand at the back
leave it all
intact
and shut
up
for
now

if the laughter is a habit

i don't lie
(only half the time)
when the rhythm i've been given
is in sharp decline
though i've
gotten pretty good
at
forgetting what i should(n't)
somehow i
just
can't
let
go
(anymore)

i try,
and i almost.. man i almost had it
but the laughter is a habit
by the end of the downswing
my thing
loses it's momentum
something like a pendulum
upswing,
downswing
(what the hell is my thing?)
did someone hear a phone ring
(oh right, upswing)
forgetting is a question that's
remembering an answer
sometimes i'm a dancer
but sometimes
i get
madder than a hatter
does it really f**kin' matter?

(if the laughter is a habit,
if the downswing finds me shattered
into thirty million pieces
on a shiny silver platter)

well
i'm starting to
think
it
does

game?

how do you ignore
the sound of before
when it is getting
louder
every
day
how do you
put back words
that you struggled to say
i was so damn sure
i was never going to play
then i
jumped right
in the
game

real

listen to me,
this is a
story of
miracle,
principle,
dis-ease..
it is growing,
the knowing that i have
gone
way too far
in the wrong direction
the intention was a vacation
to placate the making
of a mess.
at best,
i have covered in mud
the answer to the
question
that i wanted to run from..
one april shower,
and it comes up in flowers
it's still there.
who cares,
even about that.
as i come up to bat
i notice the curve ball
and every
day
i get the very same
pitch
scratch the very
same
itch
and it's never satisfied

someone's heart lied

this is a
story of
miracle,
principle,
dis-ease.
please...
find me breathless
answer my real pleas

f**k

am i
ever
going to
stop
feeling
this
angry

am i
ever
going to
stop
feeling

am i
ever
going to
stop

am i
ever

i don't try

i want
to redefine
a few things.
my mind
aligned
i find
(still)
lines entwined.

the world is different now
i promise.

these words still
flutter by
these eyes still
find you.
sighing
smiling
i don't try.
it just comes..

weight

this is a reality
conjured up
this truth is
in my cup
made
obliterated
satiated
something weighted
waited
waited

did what i said
make you not want to keep reading
why are you here then

satisfaction?

curiosity.
well
i'm no cat
but

if i look,
i'll think.
and if i think
i'll wonder
which means
i then wander..
and i
always
get
lost
there
sigh

love me or hate me

turned my head,
looked around. something's found..
who was lost
at a cost of a fraction of your heart's desire,
you can let your fire
dwindle to the bare orange of a spark-once-flamed
(tamed)
terrified of being named
love me or hate me,
this is a game.
and it's still the bloody same..
repeat repeat repeat
i thought unreal met defeat
but it simply
fashioned a disguise
i suppose
i look at my hands, wiggle my toes,
yeah.. it's still me
in a rhythm within a given
one more time i'll tell you
one
more
time

believe in

~hear the song here~

this is a story..

you said,
hold on to me, 'cause i might make you see,
and you got nothin' much else to do
and i don't understand
why you fit in my hand, but
you do
i don't wanna wait for it
but i wanna stay for it
i don't know what i want

too much for me, i don't know..
too much for me now to go..

~i need some sleep
but i just can't keep
my eyes closed~

i don't know what to do, but i'm sober and
i love you more than i should
it stands to reason i should be leavin'/believe in,
i don't even know if i could..
something here is so wrong
something here don't belong
you somehow don't know what that is

i will wait here until you know..
or i will, i will let you go..

~i need some sleep
but i just can't keep
my eyes closed~

i don't like this runaround i guess..
i wanna see you get out of this mess..

~i need some, what do i need
i need some sleep..~

no understanding, the world so demanding
and it keeps on handing me things
i don't know what to take, don't know what to break
oh babe i prayed for this ache, have i made a mistake, oh i
need some.. what do i need..
i need some.. what do i need..

..sleep..

i never could

the minute i stepped in it
i needed new shoes

began to lose old blues
to the tune of a very different sad,
sad song
played softly, at first,
no mind made worse by the turn of
subtly delicious entanglements
distractions from actions untamed
it was frivolous. but sane

quiet reasoning leapt
out anxiously from thoughts
of last night's
felony
and i said,
shhh.
there, there..
quietly
so people don't stare

nervously i
expected everything
remember me? stupid, free,
gazing glaze-eyed over the maze
taking space up with some 'meaningless' phase
i can quit whenever
i
want.
i can
i swear
i will
if i really, really wanted to..i would.
what am i talking about here?..
wow.

pretend

as butterflies rhapsodize
inside me
i try
rationalize
but they don't apologize
they flutter
(and not just
by)

in words i simply
wonder why
while inside
i'm fit to be tied

simple

at the expense of a spark
do i leave the dark
abandoned?
i somehow landed
in a mud puddle the size of your lies
so tell me
how wet am i

love is simple
this is the reason
the insidious nature of a million moments
is a fist fight taking place in my core
asking me 'what for'

my clothes stained, dirty
you can't tell
but i know.

real is never pretty

the remains
have stained
my picture perfect view
my heart's fists bruise my insides
on a slow ride
to nowhere
and you stare
make the fate of a faceless state
form every word pain uses
to become
concrete evidence
of the pounding hum
of constant
unyielding
agony
somewhere within me
someone
cries
out