Sunday, August 28, 2011

never moved an inch

I don't feel good. Just like I knew that I would now.
Disenchantment is getting old.
I try to open it, but that lets in the cold.
I went along for the ride. 
Miles before me, miles behind me. None of them calculated, or free.
I'm done waiting wanting wishing, I don't care why.
I'm tired.
I've had enough.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

ps.

who gives a f*ck

just noticed

that I can choose to not let people's words make me feel anything less than beautiful
that I can't make you stop saying those words
that I don't know why you do but it doesn't matter
that it's not about you, it's about me

that your mouth saying those words hurts me.
that I have no idea what that means.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

'how can I be/a little more free'

I just realized I don't give a fuck anymore and I can't help but say how I feel. For real.

'and we talked like children without breathing'

My sleeping patterns have not made sense in 32 years and I am not sure that will ever change. It is magical outside right now. I saw something shoot through the sky and I don't know if it was a meteor or a shooting star or if they are different or the same and all I really know is that it had a tracer that lasted for what seemed like forever but really it could have been 1 second, but it was beautiful. I have spontaneously given up on going to bed at a decent hour though several attempts were made at saving myself. I stopped myself from drinking any more beer after the first one and some 4 non blondes, then janis, which was the kicker cuz who doesn't drink after singing janis. Well probably a lot of people don't but somehow I need to.. but I walked away even though it would have been a lot of random fun at that birthday party, then I go next door for a minute and instead of standing in the doorway and talking for 3 minutes I give up and chill on the deck with some wine cuz I can't resist the mutual dump of information that is necessary for our survival. And she had wine. And I just got tired of trying to resist things and be responsible because that's just not me all the time. So then I walk home and adham shaikh is playing in my ears and stormy summer wind is blowing and I see the shooting mass of light in the sky and the clouds form weird simple beauty and I just want to break out in dancing all along the street, but I've wanted to do that all day, and my whole life. Break out into a dance everywhere I go and when I can I do. I am so much better now. I remembered to be me who is very young, very wild, and very free. She wasn't here two years ago. Maybe longer. And I found out that the right discipline and structure and motivation is the true key to freedom, real freedom, and now I am learning how to do it. Summer nights are made for me to live in. I want to sleep under a tree. Right now.

Monday, August 15, 2011

1:12 am

I'm chaos with a pattern. I make laughter out of almost anything, only sometimes, not always. sometimes it's always. I make disasters out of beauty and sometimes it becomes even more beautiful. sometimes it's just more messy. sometimes messy is fun. I miss kissing. Or maybe I miss the way it feels, but who could possibly simply miss the physical act, I mean, really. I miss kissing like loneliness misses passion. something about summer nights has remained magical to me since the first time I could comprehend that feeling which may have been before I was born, but I'm not sure yet. I prefer my own company to many others. i have a love/hate relationship with anything that really matters to me. including myself. i would rather be me than you. any you. i'm good at it. even though I don't always know what I'm doing when I do it. I don't know why I am alternating capitalization and proper grammar and poeticism with not so proper and/or poetic but I can't seem to stop. who cares. expression is life. life is expression. sometimes I need to hide. I have a long history of chasing things or wanting things I can't have for one reason or another. It's beginning to tire me out. I want to know if I would still want it if I got it. Any of it. Just to see. because if I don't, at least I know that it's the chase I desire, nothing more. and then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, though I foresee that being a significant issue. I don't know if I can fall in love. I truly don't. maybe I should just forget about it. like it's that easy. maybe it is. have i even tried? tried to forget, or fall in love? I think I've fallen before but I'm not sure. Shouldn't I know? That was a lie, I know I have fallen in love, but only with something I have created. and if anyone ever makes my whole being feel the way some things I have created make me feel, that will be falling in love. This started out much different than it's become. But so did I, really