1:12 am

I'm chaos with a pattern. I make laughter out of almost anything, only sometimes, not always. sometimes it's always. I make disasters out of beauty and sometimes it becomes even more beautiful. sometimes it's just more messy. sometimes messy is fun. I miss kissing. Or maybe I miss the way it feels, but who could possibly simply miss the physical act, I mean, really. I miss kissing like loneliness misses passion. something about summer nights has remained magical to me since the first time I could comprehend that feeling which may have been before I was born, but I'm not sure yet. I prefer my own company to many others. i have a love/hate relationship with anything that really matters to me. including myself. i would rather be me than you. any you. i'm good at it. even though I don't always know what I'm doing when I do it. I don't know why I am alternating capitalization and proper grammar and poeticism with not so proper and/or poetic but I can't seem to stop. who cares. expression is life. life is expression. sometimes I need to hide. I have a long history of chasing things or wanting things I can't have for one reason or another. It's beginning to tire me out. I want to know if I would still want it if I got it. Any of it. Just to see. because if I don't, at least I know that it's the chase I desire, nothing more. and then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, though I foresee that being a significant issue. I don't know if I can fall in love. I truly don't. maybe I should just forget about it. like it's that easy. maybe it is. have i even tried? tried to forget, or fall in love? I think I've fallen before but I'm not sure. Shouldn't I know? That was a lie, I know I have fallen in love, but only with something I have created. and if anyone ever makes my whole being feel the way some things I have created make me feel, that will be falling in love. This started out much different than it's become. But so did I, really