Winter is hard for me. I dread every hint of it approaching and hide.
All I want is to hug my dad, snuggle my puppy, and have my mom feed me her soup.
Universe, please be gentle, and kind, and loving to me right now.
I feel very alone

is this

the past's last haunting round
the end of a time spent hunting down
falling in shivers and picking out slivers
listening echoes leave softening sounds

life as a miracle stands by the door
awakened mistake barely moves on the floor
jumps at the sound of the last haunting round
the last taste of it and it will not have more

my heart is still 12 years old

when it breaks
it still thinks
it's the end
of the world
everything around it 
just fades into the background
and doesn't even matter
it's hard
to be 32
with a 12 year old heart

never moved an inch

I don't feel good. Just like I knew that I would now.
Disenchantment is getting old.
I try to open it, but that lets in the cold.
I went along for the ride. 
Miles before me, miles behind me. None of them calculated, or free.
I'm done waiting wanting wishing, I don't care why.
I'm tired.
I've had enough.

ps.

who gives a f*ck

just noticed

that I can choose to not let people's words make me feel anything less than beautiful
that I can't make you stop saying those words
that I don't know why you do but it doesn't matter
that it's not about you, it's about me

that your mouth saying those words hurts me.
that I have no idea what that means.

'how can I be/a little more free'

I just realized I don't give a fuck anymore and I can't help but say how I feel. For real.

'and we talked like children without breathing'

My sleeping patterns have not made sense in 32 years and I am not sure that will ever change. It is magical outside right now. I saw something shoot through the sky and I don't know if it was a meteor or a shooting star or if they are different or the same and all I really know is that it had a tracer that lasted for what seemed like forever but really it could have been 1 second, but it was beautiful. I have spontaneously given up on going to bed at a decent hour though several attempts were made at saving myself. I stopped myself from drinking any more beer after the first one and some 4 non blondes, then janis, which was the kicker cuz who doesn't drink after singing janis. Well probably a lot of people don't but somehow I need to.. but I walked away even though it would have been a lot of random fun at that birthday party, then I go next door for a minute and instead of standing in the doorway and talking for 3 minutes I give up and chill on the deck with some wine cuz I can't resist the mutual dump of information that is necessary for our survival. And she had wine. And I just got tired of trying to resist things and be responsible because that's just not me all the time. So then I walk home and adham shaikh is playing in my ears and stormy summer wind is blowing and I see the shooting mass of light in the sky and the clouds form weird simple beauty and I just want to break out in dancing all along the street, but I've wanted to do that all day, and my whole life. Break out into a dance everywhere I go and when I can I do. I am so much better now. I remembered to be me who is very young, very wild, and very free. She wasn't here two years ago. Maybe longer. And I found out that the right discipline and structure and motivation is the true key to freedom, real freedom, and now I am learning how to do it. Summer nights are made for me to live in. I want to sleep under a tree. Right now.

1:12 am

I'm chaos with a pattern. I make laughter out of almost anything, only sometimes, not always. sometimes it's always. I make disasters out of beauty and sometimes it becomes even more beautiful. sometimes it's just more messy. sometimes messy is fun. I miss kissing. Or maybe I miss the way it feels, but who could possibly simply miss the physical act, I mean, really. I miss kissing like loneliness misses passion. something about summer nights has remained magical to me since the first time I could comprehend that feeling which may have been before I was born, but I'm not sure yet. I prefer my own company to many others. i have a love/hate relationship with anything that really matters to me. including myself. i would rather be me than you. any you. i'm good at it. even though I don't always know what I'm doing when I do it. I don't know why I am alternating capitalization and proper grammar and poeticism with not so proper and/or poetic but I can't seem to stop. who cares. expression is life. life is expression. sometimes I need to hide. I have a long history of chasing things or wanting things I can't have for one reason or another. It's beginning to tire me out. I want to know if I would still want it if I got it. Any of it. Just to see. because if I don't, at least I know that it's the chase I desire, nothing more. and then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, though I foresee that being a significant issue. I don't know if I can fall in love. I truly don't. maybe I should just forget about it. like it's that easy. maybe it is. have i even tried? tried to forget, or fall in love? I think I've fallen before but I'm not sure. Shouldn't I know? That was a lie, I know I have fallen in love, but only with something I have created. and if anyone ever makes my whole being feel the way some things I have created make me feel, that will be falling in love. This started out much different than it's become. But so did I, really

this is not poetry and I am not calm

I came home with a vengeance today, ready to fight the world with words, yet I realized I would only be fighting with myself, struggling to express that which is killing me in a form I would be satisfied with, which is not an easy task, yet is the main driving force behind everything I do. Meaning my core being is not an easy task to conquer, though I don't know that I am something to be conquered. That metaphor/idea quite honestly could be the key to my problems, right there.
Problems. Right.. this is why I'm here. Trying to conquer myself. This will not be poetry, but I think I already was trying to say that. Besides for when I said it in the title.
(Do people wonder who even reads their blog? Am I just a self absorbed twit for thinking about it? Half of me is a sick little exhibitionist and feels an explicit need to flash you her most deepest dirty laundry barely dressed in poetry, and I have no idea why. Because I'm an 'artist'? Is that what all 'artists' feel? The other half would prefer my words go lose themselves in cybernothingness for the benefit of me venting. Either way here's my words and I mean them, if you've stumbled upon them, I guess you wanted to, or maybe you were supposed to, and it seems I will not be satisfied either way anyways, so I don't really need to know that you are here.)
Anyways. So I'm pissed off. And hurt and stuff. PLUS pissed off that I feel like I don't have the right to express my hurt and pissed off ness cuz really, I should be made of stone and never feel a thing, this is how shit works in my world. Feel and you shall be punished. Allow yourself to feel and be happy about it and WHAM! Heeeere's something you can feel-
first confusion, then hurt, then maybe some lack of understanding, emptiness, anger, throw a pinch of apathy in there, maybe some disillusionment, betrayal, disbelief, outrage, fucking bullshit heart break, there I said it, and endless amounts of other dark tragic bullshit feelings.
See? Feel all you want, there's no end to the multitudes of situations in your life that can be hijacked by all this shit at the very moment you might possibly maybe kinda a lil bit just fucking slightly feel  ...happiness.... joy?... in something... ohbutyoucanwriteMUSICaboutthisnowisntthatwhatartistsTHRIVEontomakegoodstuff? ...Fuck right off.
Guess what? this fucking tattoo on my arm? It's supposed to represent the meeting of divinely created and inspired musical creation coming from my being at the same time as entering and living in a divinely blessed, two-whole-people-coming-together to make a union of love. Yeah. That's right, it doesn't just mean 'oh you love music how cute!' (Nor does it mean I'm a fucking unoriginal catty lil you know what who saw my tattoo on the arm of another girl musician in town and then proceeded to get the same damn thing tattooed on myself. But that's a whole other story of grrr that I may or may not get more pissed off about here sometime.) basically: I want to experience the reality of combining my life passion at a level of actual creation that is real, with an actual, real relationship (with a completely real in every and all senses of the word real, person) that I can sincerely say is fulfilling me/them and growing us.
SO THEREFORE.. I have no interest in fuckin SUFFERING for my art. It's not necessary and I want to know this for fact. so fuck off with the hey, every struggle is a lesson and makes you stronger and makes you have more to say through your art hallmark card cheezy ass motivational motherfuckin bullshit! I can be divinely inspired by so much that has nothing to do with yearning, wanting, needing, missing, wondering, confusion, frustration, unrequited desire, and played out heartbreak. Divine inspiration doesn't even come from the same place as any of that shit.
So if there is anyone out there, in my sphere of guides and/or angels, whatever in the hell is orchestrating this wild mess of bloom and crazy that I am.... please reprogram me to divine inspiration and real actual love.
I. AM. DONE. with anything else!!!!

On another note, not necessarily so unrelated I am sure.
To those of you who in the recent and not so recent past, have affected my life greatly in similar forms.
In the not so recent past,
there was a 'you' who had, in your way, slipped past checkpoints in my mind and or heart and or soul and or every damn thing, eventually. With the subtle grace of words that read me and make me laugh which if you know me in any fashion whatsoever, is the absolute thing I more than adore, drop me to the floor, it is the make or break in the do I like..no no, really really like this person. With natural ability to wander around the facets of a million pieces of life like it's nothing yet so something. You, slipping through checkpoints in my multidimensional being, over and over again yet then: you ever so swiftly snap every last connection made with the same intensity and effectiveness.
Basically.. here you are.. now you're gone. Oh, what's that? You were wondering where I went? Don't do that, oh and while you're down there wondering wtf just happened, just stay there, don't I look better from here?
Don't ask me to care, even if I act like I do now. I won't later, it's a trick. Or something.

And it's the 'or something' I used to get stuck on like choking on a big chunk of... bullshit, really.
I have now...finally... realized you are not capable of ever not breaking my heart even if you don't mean to.
So I let youinafairytale go, many many moons ago... and let you know you were a fuckin complete asshole to me. And you were.

So that bullshit, I do not accept now. From anyone..
(here's a completely different 'you' I'm gonna introduce. character number two.) especially from you, yeah, YOU.
There was no trick here, at least there shouldn't have been. Who brought the fuckin rabbit, and where the fuck is the hat. Seriously..I'm fuckin pissed at the fact that I can't even explain how pissed and yes.. HURT I am... yeah I feel shit like that! Wow!... anyways, where the bloody hell did you go?? and what makes it okay for you to just wander off into the metaphorical No-No land of no cell service where you also happen to go blind, deaf, mute and invisible and also forget where I live? I missed the memo I guess.. the one that would have warned me of the lost connection, and yeah, that's supposed to be a cheezy metaphor, because it's freaking true. I don't deserve that... am I retarded for thinking we were actually like.. for real friends? I actually feel like a grande supreme asshole for ever saying shit like 'I could totally count on him for anything like anytime I needed to' out fuckin loud, based on the sudden veer onto Apathetic Asshole Road you've seemed to take. Yeah I know you don't give a fuck about anything, blah blah fuck the world etc but that's not what I'm saying.. jesus christ, I am fighting with metaphorical 'you' here.. oh the irony. Anyways. I don't get it.. and most of all, I'm sad that I don't matter to you anymore, suddenly, do I even know what the hell is going on with you at this moment, no I couldn't even venture to guess, not even close (that sucks! it really does).... and I absolutely truly don't know why.  And let's top that off with the Idontfeelcomfortableaskingyouwhatthehellhappenedcuzyoulljustsaynothing- flavored cherry....
That's as pathetic as I'm allowing myself to get in words right now... gotta put me back together before anyone notices that I care.. and I miss you. Yeah I do but... whatever.

What the fuck ever..
do I feel better
about ANY of this shit,
now that I full on ranted?
I don't know.
sigh.

i'm behind an impenetrable wall, don't worry (says the heart to the mind)

my fingers
found chords
that are yours
and now i'm
dizzy
and ill
floodgates pour open
undefined
yours and mine
sick trigger
wicked shiver
i don't even feel that way anymore
what is this for

blank white packet

this is a reminder
to look back
at this moment
after everything has
bloomed
and
bloomed
and
BLOOMED.
to remember
how awkwardly
my hands planted the seeds
in blind faith
how some of them
just fell through my fingers
the wind softly blowing them
here and there
how unaware
I was
of absolutely everything
how unsettling
it was to not know
why I didn't know
and go with the
flow
of  not knowing
I had never planted a garden before
nor ever wanted to
remember
that
too

The moon is in Pisces.

1. I don't think opposites necessarily attract, I've also begun to see that birds of a feather should not always flock together. I think a delicate balance exists of the right/real similarities and differences between two people... *chemistry* ....and any kind of a relationship is based on discovering whether that balance exists...

2. However I also think if you are sensitive/aware/in tune/open enough you can know right away whether that balance exists...

3. Though I wonder if the whole point is in the discovery....

4. So perhaps knowing is irrelevant. Once you know that balance exists for sure.. is there no drive to continue? (What would be the point in it existing then?  That would mean then that no relationship would ever be completely fulfilling unless it's tumultuous?..)

5. And would that statement be true for mankind, or just me...

6. No, wait. If two people in any kind of a relationship (that successfully and continually has that level of chemistry) continue to change and grow as human beings/souls/spirits, they can continue to discover the delicate balance between their similarities and differences and not get bored. Perhaps.  ....perhaps!

7. So change is good. More than coins.

8. There may be hope for me if this makes any sense.

9. I have no idea where this came from or why it's in a numerical list... I never said I make any sense.

10. Don't forget yourself.

thirty-two

I have no qualms with my age. Absolutely none. I am thirty-two years old and it seems the older I get the more I love myself, and in turn, life. I feel younger every day, and that is not just a bullshit cliche, it's a fact.

However, with every year that passes I encounter the many effects my past now has on my life...
All the things my parents told me were true. Well.. not ALL the things, but all the things about what I would regret doing or not doing in my youth later in my life...

I have been irresponsible with literally everything. Any chance at furthering myself, and I've had a few. I know many a person who could have been given what I have and done amazing, profitable things for their lives, materially.  I have left myself with nothing.. (which I suppose in one way leaves me completely free.. but makes it very difficult to leave this place, and not physically but my position in earthly life) Maybe I had good reasons behind my poorly/not at all thought out actions,  maybe some not so good, maybe some things really had no reason at all, I just did them anyways.
I realize that a great deal of my poor choices and actions could be 'blamed' on the quite less than perfect circumstances of my family life that I hadn't even come to a full and complete realization about until the last two years of my life... and I have to remember that sometimes.. so that I don't beat the crap out of myself too badly. I also know many a person who could have been given a family life history like mine and been... well, maybe even dead, honestly.  I've f**ked up... but I've come out the other end alive. Strong.

But I have to be careful not to blame everything on everyone else. And now that I am aware, sitting around blaming others or victimizing myself just won't cut it.

It isn't those things that truly hurt me, though.
I have also been irresponsible with my heart, my soul, my gifts, my strength, and my self worth.
I have a responsibility to myself to nurture those things, no matter if anyone else will or won't, and I let all of that go, too.
Everything else I have wasted away or completely f**ked up in my life requires me to actualize self worth, a sense of 'deserving it' before I can even begin to build anew. This I now know. And that alone is beautifully terrifying.
My point here is,
I'm taking responsibility for myself now. I've already begun. I'm frustrated every day by the disaster I have left behind for myself but I don't think I could even BE frustrated with it if I wasn't already changing for the better.....so I am thankful for every day that I slowly begin to take responsibility for loving myself.

My dad always said I like to learn the hard way....

sunny day

I was walking
for quite some time
before I noticed

you don't matter anymore.

I don't walk
heavy or slow with you
on my back
I don't walk fast
to get away from your lack

now I walk 'cause it's a sunny day

I don't mesmerize the backs of my eyes with
half-driven visions of what I could
not quite see
wishful nevers in hopeless dreams

Now,
I remember I am blessed.
I see mountains hugging my perception half-dressed
I feel newborn spring air enter my cells
I breathe out hell
breathe in something
I don't recognize
the taste of
maybe, one day, love

 you don't matter anymore

I walk with the wings of a beautiful angel
floating behind my each and every step
I walk with my hands barely kept
at my sides
as every dancing rhythm tries
to make my body sway from side to side
at every stoplight
I must fight
the urge of my undulating hips trying to keep time with the sun
and the bongos
which are one
at this moment

in which you do not matter
anymore

everything so brilliantly formed around me
the amazing nature of everything I can actually see
I thought you left me empty
but I walk and it fills me
with everything that was already there
I couldn't feel, I didn't care

but
you don't
matter
anymore

little bit

here
comes
the passion
(in true artist fashion)
five different brands of discontinued desire
(words are liars)
two of cups to your
six of fire
I am a broken doll
who says nothing at all
it's mostly wicked
just a little bit
oh, and
I'm not sorry.
I like the taste of it.

score one
for hope, and boredom
maybe
or more than

a wasted space
a necessary plane
my restless is dangerous
ask me again
I'll fight to the death for
the right to
bewilderment
draw in my breath to
make sure I am filled with it
the raw entanglement
an image
I burn with

(it's always fire)

whatever's left standing, eh?

I pulled the tablecloth out
from under
(in case you wondered)
my finest china
it was
all I had

(finally)

and everything
smashed
every
little
thing

so...

who's gonna buy me new dishes now