Monday, April 20, 2009

ritalin or prozac. i don't know

i can't deal with doing almost anything for longer than ten minutes without completely losing interest and thinking of a million other things i would rather be doing and going halfway to insane if i have to do whatever it is i'm doing for one second longer.. i cannot focus on the task at hand, whether or not i like to do what i'm doing, it doesn't matter, i will distract myself with the first thing i can find, if necessary.
(yet i can get stuck in one thought for weeks and never find my way out.)

i can't stand to stay in one place for longer than an hour. i get up and leave, drive, go anywhere, nowhere, just drive, just to go be SOMEWHERE other than where i was..(and why does driving make everything better? because everything around me is constantly moving? it feels like i'm doing something, getting somewhere, accomplishing something, why?? because the world around me is changing?............
.........it feels like nothing else matters but what i am doing.. and maybe THAT'S something..)

i can't remember what i said, or even what it was about, ten seconds ago.
(yet i can remember with exact clarity, intensity and meaning, what you said five months ago.. two years ago..)

i can't pay attention to one thing for longer than ten minutes (i have five tabs open right now, and i keep coming back to this one when i get sick of the other ones.. ie. every two minutes) without wandering off in my mind or the world into who knows where that has nothing to do with anything..
(yet i can listen to the same song on repeat for days. weeks. and continue to pay total and complete attention to everything about it and seemingly never ever get bored.)

i can be raging pissed off in one moment, and five minutes later have nothing to say about it because i'm just not mad anymore.. be totally insanely happy, and the next minute have no recollection of how i could have possibly been that happy, 'cause that girl is gone.. know exactly what to do about something, and in the next moment have no idea how i could have possibly felt good about doing that, and have no desire whatsoever to do it.
(yet, there are things i just can't seem to ever let go.)

is it my world or the world around me that needs to change in order to not feel crazy.. (aren't they the same thing?..)

sigh..

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

at the seams

satisfaction is the action
but i
must
not
act
so i stand at the back
leave it all
intact
and shut
up
for
now

Monday, April 13, 2009

if the laughter is a habit

i don't lie
(only half the time)
when the rhythm i've been given
is in sharp decline
though i've
gotten pretty good
at
forgetting what i should(n't)
somehow i
just
can't
let
go
(anymore)

i try,
and i almost.. man i almost had it
but the laughter is a habit
by the end of the downswing
my thing
loses it's momentum
something like a pendulum
upswing,
downswing
(what the hell is my thing?)
did someone hear a phone ring
(oh right, upswing)
forgetting is a question that's
remembering an answer
sometimes i'm a dancer
but sometimes
i get
madder than a hatter
does it really f**kin' matter?

(if the laughter is a habit,
if the downswing finds me shattered
into thirty million pieces
on a shiny silver platter)

well
i'm starting to
think
it
does

game?

how do you ignore
the sound of before
when it is getting
louder
every
day
how do you
put back words
that you struggled to say
i was so damn sure
i was never going to play
then i
jumped right
in the
game

real

listen to me,
this is a
story of
miracle,
principle,
dis-ease..
it is growing,
the knowing that i have
gone
way too far
in the wrong direction
the intention was a vacation
to placate the making
of a mess.
at best,
i have covered in mud
the answer to the
question
that i wanted to run from..
one april shower,
and it comes up in flowers
it's still there.
who cares,
even about that.
as i come up to bat
i notice the curve ball
and every
day
i get the very same
pitch
scratch the very
same
itch
and it's never satisfied

someone's heart lied

this is a
story of
miracle,
principle,
dis-ease.
please...
find me breathless
answer my real pleas

Monday, April 06, 2009

f**k

am i
ever
going to
stop
feeling
this
angry

am i
ever
going to
stop
feeling

am i
ever
going to
stop

am i
ever