thirty-two

I have no qualms with my age. Absolutely none. I am thirty-two years old and it seems the older I get the more I love myself, and in turn, life. I feel younger every day, and that is not just a bullshit cliche, it's a fact.

However, with every year that passes I encounter the many effects my past now has on my life...
All the things my parents told me were true. Well.. not ALL the things, but all the things about what I would regret doing or not doing in my youth later in my life...

I have been irresponsible with literally everything. Any chance at furthering myself, and I've had a few. I know many a person who could have been given what I have and done amazing, profitable things for their lives, materially.  I have left myself with nothing.. (which I suppose in one way leaves me completely free.. but makes it very difficult to leave this place, and not physically but my position in earthly life) Maybe I had good reasons behind my poorly/not at all thought out actions,  maybe some not so good, maybe some things really had no reason at all, I just did them anyways.
I realize that a great deal of my poor choices and actions could be 'blamed' on the quite less than perfect circumstances of my family life that I hadn't even come to a full and complete realization about until the last two years of my life... and I have to remember that sometimes.. so that I don't beat the crap out of myself too badly. I also know many a person who could have been given a family life history like mine and been... well, maybe even dead, honestly.  I've f**ked up... but I've come out the other end alive. Strong.

But I have to be careful not to blame everything on everyone else. And now that I am aware, sitting around blaming others or victimizing myself just won't cut it.

It isn't those things that truly hurt me, though.
I have also been irresponsible with my heart, my soul, my gifts, my strength, and my self worth.
I have a responsibility to myself to nurture those things, no matter if anyone else will or won't, and I let all of that go, too.
Everything else I have wasted away or completely f**ked up in my life requires me to actualize self worth, a sense of 'deserving it' before I can even begin to build anew. This I now know. And that alone is beautifully terrifying.
My point here is,
I'm taking responsibility for myself now. I've already begun. I'm frustrated every day by the disaster I have left behind for myself but I don't think I could even BE frustrated with it if I wasn't already changing for the better.....so I am thankful for every day that I slowly begin to take responsibility for loving myself.

My dad always said I like to learn the hard way....