you are: HERE

if you are here
because some crazy lady
with *panties removed*
told you to be here,
don't listen to her.

(she's whacked, trust me, i know her well)

well
i
thought i knew her, anyways.....

do it

tell me something
i don't already know.

(make me feel
a
way
i
don't
already
feel)

then
i
will
be
enraptured

enraptured: enamored, enchanted, ensorcelled, entranced, fascinated

(caution: you may not know you already do this to me)

hypothetically/typically

say there was a room full of 100 people that i could 'select' a 'romantic interest' from. (yeah, i know. stupid choice of words but what can i say. they work)

now, say 99 of them were emotionally confident, intimacy oriented people.
and let's say that one person who was left was...shall we say....emotionally insecure and intimacy fearing.

*i, without knowing who was who, would, without fail, instinctively choose the ONE with the issues.*

isn't that nice.

not a poem. it's just written like one. (or, expect nothing, ever.)

i know better than to
expect
or focus on things too much
but i do it anyway

then it doesn't work out, and
i am not surprised

but then
usually

when all expectations have been washed away
by the bitter wave of disappointment

i find myself having an amazing time
doing whatever it is i do
instead of what i had expected to do.

NOW
the question is:

knowing that this usually happens,
have i ruined it
by expecting it to happen???

(damn universe)

f#*k that (and other epiphanies)

go ahead, be a mystery
a delicacy.
unravel me.
i won't argue
or interfere
or steer clear.

however

i don't excavate
commiserate
hesitate

i don't wait

and wait
and wait

i don't *try* pry open the oyster
i don't *ponder* the pearl

so you are
who you are
and i like
what i like
and i don't care
if i am supposed to *wait*
to actually see the blue
that i know has helped make the green
that is visible

'cause the only one
deciding i should *wait*
is me

f#*k that

i want what i want
and you're it
or not

don't care if you're *it*
under that pile of laundry
i am not doing your laundry
to find out.

or....

i am going to sit
right
here.

and not move

an inch.

and if i end up moving,
it will only be
because

of a natural disaster

or.....

other people's words sometimes say it best

you got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
know when to walk away, know when to run

you never count your money when you're sittin' at the table
there'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done...

The Gambler, Kenny Rogers

eureka! &stuff

i was reading the post from a couple days ago and...well....

'and then, i end up fearing getting excited about the fact that i got (whatever it is i wanted), because what if my lack of detachment chases it away?'

*clears throat*
oh....
right.

that's what i did.......

'lacked detachment'

great

lay still, don't breathe

she blissfully *glew*
in
a world
suddenly manifest

a tangible piece of unsuspecting light
came crashing into a vacant, unarmed space
a something
once
nothing.

nothing:
never.

madly,
she
fell
but
shhh
don't
tell

now,
her
eyes
are
blind.
who sees?

step away from the vehicle, put your hands over your head
drop
dead

apathy on her sleeve
maybe

you have the right to remain
silent.
some 'right'


(cheers to p, who blissfully glew,
and to t, who knows nothing is always something)

'what you focus on, expands.'

my dad used to say that as often as breathing. it is permanently etched into my brain. i think about it a lot. i put it into practice. i tell people about it. i see it, bouncing about in my head..... seriously. i'm sure he's happy to hear that i actually remember something he said.....for once....!!

and: it even works.
especially when you remember not to focus on the WANTING of something, but to focus on the 'something' that you actually want, so that you don't end up more desperately wanting it....

like, say i want apples...
and so, i say: 'i really really really want apples. want want want them. man, what i wouldn't do for apples....dammit, i am tortured by the want for the apples.'

guess what expands? the want.

now this is the part where i lose it. what, exactly, are you supposed to say in order to make the apples expand? (you know what i mean.)
i'm not clear on this, and when i have made it work, it's almost by accident.

so, you just focus on 'apples'?
YES, and this is tricky. you need to detach from the apples. feel no emotion towards them. meaning, forget that you want them.

forget that you want them????

okay so, sometimes i think about that and it actually makes me angry. if i sit around trying to not want something, in order to get it, where's the joy in getting it.....?????

really. how stupid that i have to not give a crap about something, in order to get it.

and then, i end up fearing getting excited about the fact that i got it, because what if my lack of detachment chases it away?

it's dumb, convoluted, and nerve wracking.

but, it works...that's what keeps me coming back to it....
i think i'm still missing something though. (there's another thing i'm sure my dad would be happy to hear me admit...!!)

i guess i probably shouldn't focus on what i am missing, though.

2.

do people even f#*king know when you're talking about them??

hard to say

i retire to wasted space
enchanted but at
no
quick
pace,

remind myself it's not the glow
(and not as slow
as you might go)

still, i know not
what
you know.

your brain contains what?
hard to say
but i'll imagine, play by play,
and it'll make my
rainy
day. (no matter how unsaid you lay)

what's hard to say
makes hard to do,
but harder
doesn't
get
past
you.....

(could be so much fun it's true)

miles and miles
of
pouring through
the words
i knew
but had no clue

i restlessly remain amused

i'd (awkwardly)
devour
you

100% of half is half

i don't rock your world
i don't rawk it, either

i won't
until
*all owed*

and if i do,
it is entirely
by
mistake.

break, dammit, break

i'll bite.

are you real?

and if so,
materialize.

thanks

1.

i'm actually not stupid.
it's just that when you appear, i can't speak.
that's all.

two?

one and one is not two.
one,
is over here
the other one
is over there
and they are not
making
two.

simply because
one
is not aware
of where the other is

they can't even add up
if they *want* to

hmmm

i am dreaming of the nothing you desire
like a flame so great in a state so dire

*written Oct. 30/99*