'what you focus on, expands.'

my dad used to say that as often as breathing. it is permanently etched into my brain. i think about it a lot. i put it into practice. i tell people about it. i see it, bouncing about in my head..... seriously. i'm sure he's happy to hear that i actually remember something he said.....for once....!!

and: it even works.
especially when you remember not to focus on the WANTING of something, but to focus on the 'something' that you actually want, so that you don't end up more desperately wanting it....

like, say i want apples...
and so, i say: 'i really really really want apples. want want want them. man, what i wouldn't do for apples....dammit, i am tortured by the want for the apples.'

guess what expands? the want.

now this is the part where i lose it. what, exactly, are you supposed to say in order to make the apples expand? (you know what i mean.)
i'm not clear on this, and when i have made it work, it's almost by accident.

so, you just focus on 'apples'?
YES, and this is tricky. you need to detach from the apples. feel no emotion towards them. meaning, forget that you want them.

forget that you want them????

okay so, sometimes i think about that and it actually makes me angry. if i sit around trying to not want something, in order to get it, where's the joy in getting it.....?????

really. how stupid that i have to not give a crap about something, in order to get it.

and then, i end up fearing getting excited about the fact that i got it, because what if my lack of detachment chases it away?

it's dumb, convoluted, and nerve wracking.

but, it works...that's what keeps me coming back to it....
i think i'm still missing something though. (there's another thing i'm sure my dad would be happy to hear me admit...!!)

i guess i probably shouldn't focus on what i am missing, though.