The moon is in Pisces.

1. I don't think opposites necessarily attract, I've also begun to see that birds of a feather should not always flock together. I think a delicate balance exists of the right/real similarities and differences between two people... *chemistry* ....and any kind of a relationship is based on discovering whether that balance exists...

2. However I also think if you are sensitive/aware/in tune/open enough you can know right away whether that balance exists...

3. Though I wonder if the whole point is in the discovery....

4. So perhaps knowing is irrelevant. Once you know that balance exists for sure.. is there no drive to continue? (What would be the point in it existing then?  That would mean then that no relationship would ever be completely fulfilling unless it's tumultuous?..)

5. And would that statement be true for mankind, or just me...

6. No, wait. If two people in any kind of a relationship (that successfully and continually has that level of chemistry) continue to change and grow as human beings/souls/spirits, they can continue to discover the delicate balance between their similarities and differences and not get bored. Perhaps.  ....perhaps!

7. So change is good. More than coins.

8. There may be hope for me if this makes any sense.

9. I have no idea where this came from or why it's in a numerical list... I never said I make any sense.

10. Don't forget yourself.

thirty-two

I have no qualms with my age. Absolutely none. I am thirty-two years old and it seems the older I get the more I love myself, and in turn, life. I feel younger every day, and that is not just a bullshit cliche, it's a fact.

However, with every year that passes I encounter the many effects my past now has on my life...
All the things my parents told me were true. Well.. not ALL the things, but all the things about what I would regret doing or not doing in my youth later in my life...

I have been irresponsible with literally everything. Any chance at furthering myself, and I've had a few. I know many a person who could have been given what I have and done amazing, profitable things for their lives, materially.  I have left myself with nothing.. (which I suppose in one way leaves me completely free.. but makes it very difficult to leave this place, and not physically but my position in earthly life) Maybe I had good reasons behind my poorly/not at all thought out actions,  maybe some not so good, maybe some things really had no reason at all, I just did them anyways.
I realize that a great deal of my poor choices and actions could be 'blamed' on the quite less than perfect circumstances of my family life that I hadn't even come to a full and complete realization about until the last two years of my life... and I have to remember that sometimes.. so that I don't beat the crap out of myself too badly. I also know many a person who could have been given a family life history like mine and been... well, maybe even dead, honestly.  I've f**ked up... but I've come out the other end alive. Strong.

But I have to be careful not to blame everything on everyone else. And now that I am aware, sitting around blaming others or victimizing myself just won't cut it.

It isn't those things that truly hurt me, though.
I have also been irresponsible with my heart, my soul, my gifts, my strength, and my self worth.
I have a responsibility to myself to nurture those things, no matter if anyone else will or won't, and I let all of that go, too.
Everything else I have wasted away or completely f**ked up in my life requires me to actualize self worth, a sense of 'deserving it' before I can even begin to build anew. This I now know. And that alone is beautifully terrifying.
My point here is,
I'm taking responsibility for myself now. I've already begun. I'm frustrated every day by the disaster I have left behind for myself but I don't think I could even BE frustrated with it if I wasn't already changing for the better.....so I am thankful for every day that I slowly begin to take responsibility for loving myself.

My dad always said I like to learn the hard way....

sunny day

I was walking
for quite some time
before I noticed

you don't matter anymore.

I don't walk
heavy or slow with you
on my back
I don't walk fast
to get away from your lack

now I walk 'cause it's a sunny day

I don't mesmerize the backs of my eyes with
half-driven visions of what I could
not quite see
wishful nevers in hopeless dreams

Now,
I remember I am blessed.
I see mountains hugging my perception half-dressed
I feel newborn spring air enter my cells
I breathe out hell
breathe in something
I don't recognize
the taste of
maybe, one day, love

 you don't matter anymore

I walk with the wings of a beautiful angel
floating behind my each and every step
I walk with my hands barely kept
at my sides
as every dancing rhythm tries
to make my body sway from side to side
at every stoplight
I must fight
the urge of my undulating hips trying to keep time with the sun
and the bongos
which are one
at this moment

in which you do not matter
anymore

everything so brilliantly formed around me
the amazing nature of everything I can actually see
I thought you left me empty
but I walk and it fills me
with everything that was already there
I couldn't feel, I didn't care

but
you don't
matter
anymore

little bit

here
comes
the passion
(in true artist fashion)
five different brands of discontinued desire
(words are liars)
two of cups to your
six of fire
I am a broken doll
who says nothing at all
it's mostly wicked
just a little bit
oh, and
I'm not sorry.
I like the taste of it.

score one
for hope, and boredom
maybe
or more than

a wasted space
a necessary plane
my restless is dangerous
ask me again
I'll fight to the death for
the right to
bewilderment
draw in my breath to
make sure I am filled with it
the raw entanglement
an image
I burn with

(it's always fire)

whatever's left standing, eh?

I pulled the tablecloth out
from under
(in case you wondered)
my finest china
it was
all I had

(finally)

and everything
smashed
every
little
thing

so...

who's gonna buy me new dishes now

one hundred fifty-three thousand four hundred & eighty-nine

pretty sure there were
(at least)
153,489 butterflies
inside you
that decided to fly
out of your mouth
at the exact moment
when they could enter
mine

because every time
it occurs to me
to think of you,

it seems to remind them
where they came from
and they go crazy
inside
me

ten random thoughts in one hour of fresh air

one. are the dog days really over? are they?

two. we live in a beautiful place & take it for granted. look around.

three. why don't i just jump in the water right now?

four. i'm hungry.

five. ben lee's album 'breathing tornadoes' makes him sound like a crazy, creepy, whiny stalker with his i-want-you-why-don't-you-want-me-omg-sigh-i'm-gonna-MAKE-you-want-me lyrics.. and if mine sound anything like that, shoot me now. seriously.. talk about perspective...

six. why did i stop taking my ipod for walks for the last six months? this feels better than anything. was it too hot? or did i forget myself.

seven. there is bear poop everywhere, and i mean everywhere. i wonder if i really should be walking with these super sonic block-every-other-sound-but-the-music earphones in right now (which, while they do block everything else out, actually kinda suck, wtf.)

eight. people always do what they think they're good at. even if it's destructive to their well being, it's what they think they're good at so they feel good doing it, and keep doing it.
think about this.
this is how people everywhere end up in the mindless ruts of life. the ruts that don't nurture anything beautiful inside them, that keep them safe in the knowledge that at least they can't f**k up being f**ked up... because they're good at it...

nine. that last thought is almost too complicated to think about, because words are failing my feelings...

ten. william orbit is an excellent walking soundtrack in the september sun.