asked for it

in the back of my mind
the paper is lined
and my hand is cramped
from the rate at which i write

with all of my might
i push against everything
i have grown
to know
this so-called sideshow

i falter
i fall
i
falter
i
fall

i know i'm not
your afterthought
but in the end
i'll be something you did

don't deny it

how a
second between us
seems so long
how a
mile between us
makes this so wrong

how in words
i am strong
yet inside i rely on
the possibility of everyone anyone else
i wear a dress
and wait

and watch fate
as you come and satiate that need
and slowly
unsteadily
crazily
against my sanity
you grow to consume me in a way i wanted randomly
you, relentlessly
and i, helplessly
and this, stupidly
becomes stuck in my throat, sickly

i bit the apple
and now i'm pissed

you don't understand this rage?
here she is,
inside this cage,
gone mad

i've been read the end of this book
why should i reenact the plot

definitely not
because it's all i've got

what have i got

what
have
i
got

nothing,
it's not

stupid stupid girl
what's selfish?.. well WHAT'S HERS..
mine, yours, anything, nothing, sure
she tucks her mind into something obscure
and forgets to exist or be kissed

she falters
she falls

that's not all

fast as you can

i curl up next to chaos
nudge it gently
lovingly
it opens its arms to me
cradles me
entirely

lulled to sleep by wild and sighs and tries, no less
i stare hard into the cracks between this,
and that,
and wait for
what

i fall hard out of a dream i wander sweet into a muse
i listen
i want to roar
i tremble
to hear every note i wasn't listening for
before

i fumble in my pocket for the keys
as if i'm going to leave

then wonder if i should be driving

keys
ignition
rear view mirror

clearer

naturally..

what's supposed to happen
doesn't happen
unless
it's
supposed
to

sounds simple
but
sometimes simple
just
doesn't
click

something like her

i hear
subtle minds
crashing into
the sky

eyes free to ask
words free
to say why

find
no struggle for wonder
as my lips waken
to thunder

so i
(speak)

i, spaced with wakened grace
had been dazed where i laid
but found me

toes tipping off the edge
she
spinning at
the masochism of the
bottom i
grabbed her hand
and
said
'look'

she shook
incessantly

eyes
widen
slowly
turned
up
wild the sky like facing the lie

wide the sky like
nothing she tried

a fool, but she barely knew
it was
all
so
true

nothing like her

turned out

calmer,
now
i
walk out

all this time

want it all
wanted all

made a wall
made it fall

backspace, delete
retreat
rinse
repeat

repeat repeat repeat

(stop)

on your mark

..it's so damn dark
and that proverbial light
in the proverbial distance
is what has
kept me lit,
a little bit,
this whole time.

i only know one thing
this
one brass ring
to grasp at,
with no 'bling'
no diamonds here,
i just
sing

grow wings
for clipping
my words,
the world
i'm barely sipping at this cup and
it's not enough
yes,
no diamonds found
in so much rough

i'm thirsty
damn it
water like sparkling jewels i am
constantly reminded of
the lack
thereof

i laugh,
*love*

so funny i'm the
spitting
image
of the mirage
of myself

a girl,
on a shelf?

(the wizard, the elf,
the dragon someone meant to slay
but she sells seashells somehow,
some way)

i'll go. i'll stay.
is there two of me? four?
she's every-which-way,
then,
so
much
more

you know her?

i do
you heard me.. i do
and not them, or him, or you
'cause there are very very few
who would know what
word i
meant by
true

three,
two,
one..

next

fear rises, i fall
my heart broken slowly i curse my stupidity
in one moment i am nothing
at all
but i've said this before
i'm sure

a million pieces to pick up
and i am
crying over
spilled milk
like it
actually
matters
don't mind what shatters,
she said