I am a child

I wish I could just be myself
at all times, wait why would I even say that.
I can
but somewhere back there, I honestly forgot
what does this mean? A lot
I was becoming me,
and you became present
one day, and I grew to meet you
in my self presentation of
sudden knowing that I was something
and growing into many things
and I grew until I met you
in the middle like a rainbow in skittles and
you told me that
I tasted good.
In all the ways those words could be understood.
and I said, hey, I have never really heard anyone worth my while
smack their lips after
tasting my darkest hours
and you,
my beautiful man,
have magical powers.
I am savoring of your flavor.
And you, are crazy mad,
like I had been stupid sad.
I get you.
You like this? Let's. let's find bliss,
and off we went on a mad hunt for it
(found it. right away. said, hey. let's stay...)
and I grabbed for your hand,
and you, in your complex simplicity said, I understand.
and we ran.
and so much love ensued
some me, some you, but
mostly us.
and then,
this is the part I get lost.
I grew,
I faced things not faced before you.
I just realized I might be Dr. Seuss
right now.
but whatever,
the point is this. the weather
of my being is erratic
I grew, and static prevailed.
my poor ripped sails,
I was trying to glide over the seas,
softly travel with the breeze and you
honestly couldn't take the storm
that I hardly knew would even form
You healed and fed me like I can't say in words that sound nice.
I grew with you
you grew with me
but I snapped the sail with a sudden sneeze
one too many a time
and now I am left with
several pathetic rhymes in a beat of words I write
on a calm September night
when all I wish is that
You
and
I
can
realize our love
in a way that no human bond has ever heard of

in love

love is a bitch
she kicks your ass
My greatest love experiences are barely touched as of yet
I almost said so many other things there
I only have a few truly great love experiences
and they remain with one man
and I tried to make some flippant comment about my greatest love experiences being unrequited
but it's total bullshit

love is not a bitch
I'm a bitch
mostly a stupid one
love is a metaphor for what I meant
and though I meant it,
It wasn't always there

I haven't spoken my mind
in quite some time
three little pigs couldn't blow this house down,
I wouldn't lie about such a thing.

If I had a say in what I just said,
we wouldn't be here talking like this.

 Never loved a man like this
other than my father.
But I wasn't exactly perfect for him either
(and this is different in the appropriate ways
don't you worry.)
My father has loved me
since the day he died
and will keep doing so for however long
we as beings will be
whatever we are
doing whatever we do
in whatever state of however of everything that is nothing.

I meant every word of that
even if you don't know how to read it.
Point is,
my dad will never have a reason to stop loving me. I know he's there,
even if I shot him dead,
which
a) I didn't
b) I wouldn't, and
c) I would honestly hope he wouldn't keep loving me after.

point is I can't expect that kind of love from more than one man in my life

if I'm to be such a bitch
in love
which I
can say
I wish
I never
was

where I am now

http://justagirlnamedstasia.blogspot.ca/

Winter is hard for me. I dread every hint of it approaching and hide.
All I want is to hug my dad, snuggle my puppy, and have my mom feed me her soup.
Universe, please be gentle, and kind, and loving to me right now.
I feel very alone

is this

the past's last haunting round
the end of a time spent hunting down
falling in shivers and picking out slivers
listening echoes leave softening sounds

life as a miracle stands by the door
awakened mistake barely moves on the floor
jumps at the sound of the last haunting round
the last taste of it and it will not have more

my heart is still 12 years old

when it breaks
it still thinks
it's the end
of the world
everything around it 
just fades into the background
and doesn't even matter
it's hard
to be 32
with a 12 year old heart

never moved an inch

I don't feel good. Just like I knew that I would now.
Disenchantment is getting old.
I try to open it, but that lets in the cold.
I went along for the ride. 
Miles before me, miles behind me. None of them calculated, or free.
I'm done waiting wanting wishing, I don't care why.
I'm tired.
I've had enough.