-untitled-

was never satisfied
to become someone's
backup
vocalist
why
would i
be satisfied
now

true or false

who means what
and what comes up
when the word is heard
in the deepest hurt
it's real then,
but when
that's spent,
love makes no dent
it's just empty space you pace
and pay rent
and remember
what you
meant

i know better,
yet her
mind is a
gutter of
false possibilities,
sweet
soft
pleas
why ask me to stay
what goes my way
what is- fuck this,
who cares
this rut
what must come up?
(nothing)
down she goes
this wind
faint
blows

i think i chose

and choices mean reasons
and meanings, and
demons
something to believe in
always
ends
badly.

sadly,
my heart's descent
is a lesson
in knowing
it was
never
meant

a love story

This is a story that Selina began to tell, and the moment will never leave my memory, watching her look into a little dog's eyes with so much love, telling him the story of his life.. I am sorry Selina but I feel like I have to continue telling it now..

..One day, we went to the pet store- we were probably getting cat food, or something, we don't even know now. Of course we had to check out whatever animal they had hanging out that week there.. it was a thing that always had to be done, in any case.. and every time, one of us would say 'maybe i should get that kitten/puppy/rabbit'/whatever adorable thing they had, and then we would, begrudgingly, leave, because of whatever mundane reason we couldn't get it, and go home.
But this one day, we walked to the back to see what was there.. and there were four little puppies..tiny little fluffy puppies. Three black ones, one brown one. Huge brown eyes..and they were sooo damn cute.
So now we knew this one was gonna be hard to leave.. and we stuck around for a while, and these tiny little babies were sniffing and kissing us.. and we were melting.
We find out how much they are, and it's not cheap, so we are, with our common sense, trying to lead ourselves out the door.. telling ourselves how much work and responsibility a dog is, etc. Mundane reasons. But they are the cutest things we had ever seen.. and it is very hard to leave.
There was a tan one, a pure black one, a black one with a little bit of white, and a black one with a little white spike on his head, white little paws, and a white chest and belly. And if we were ever planning on getting one, it would be the one with the spike, we say.. but we go home, finally, at some point..

By the eighth (or two hundred and twenty-seventh) time we had returned to the pet store that week.. I ended up walking out the door holding a tiny little black baby dog with a white spike.. We fell in love. There was nothing we could do about it. He had us at first kiss. :)

I had never, ever had a dog before in my life. So we bring him home.. and there I am.. reading every website and book that exists about puppies.. how to feed puppies, and how to potty train puppies, and brushing puppies' teeth, and giving puppies baths, and what do i feed him and when do i feed him and is that good for him and is this bad for him and what if this happens and that happens and.. basically, I had completely lost my mind and become a neurotic freak. 'THIS DOG'S LIFE IS GOING TO BE PERFECT..I will train him and love him and make him amazing!' . (this would be the point I realized I had better not ever have kids.. or I just might actually lose my mind.)

You would think i would have gotten over that, but I don't think I ever entirely did. This puppy was precious life, and I had never been solely responsible for anyone's life before.. it scared the hell out of me.. but what I was about to get in return was unbelievably worth it.

Eventually, and finally, the little black puppy became known as Thorn.
aka. Thorny, Thorny Q (Thorn E. Q.), Q, Q-dawg, Punk, Puppers, Mr. Puppy, Little Boy, Baby Q, Q.Q, Pork Chop, Baby Dog, Gorgeous Boy, Little Buddy, Boyfriend, Grandpuppy, and a million other combinations and variations of the above..
He also, very quickly, became the puppy of my heart.

One of the first nights we had Thorn, he had fallen asleep on the couch. He was laying on his back.. and making the most crazy loud noises and twitches we had ever seen an animal do.. and we're sitting there, hovering over him.. 'IS HE OKAY?? like..what is he DOING? what do we DO..??!?', practically with the phone in hand, waiting to call puppy 911.. I'm pretty sure we woke him up just to make sure he was okay.. which of course he was.. he had just began to snore, which apparently he did (and continued to do, that's for sure) at a level one would associate with a large old man!

My baby dog had spunk, attitude, and brains, knew the names of all 53789057430 of his toys, and would chatter when you gave him treats, with his little fang sticking out. He knew when you were hurting, and was the best snuggler in the world, I guarantee it. He loved to bug cats, and kiss children, lay around in the sun, and stay up all night running around crazy. He was hilarious, and punky, and frustrating, and awesome, and I am sure he was not really a dog.. as his 3 year old step brother said once, rather than saying we have a dog: 'We have a Thorny.'

I cannot explain to you what he means to me, because none of it is words. It is all the way I felt when he looked into my eyes, the way I felt when he snuggled with me, even the way I felt when he made cute little noises at 6 am cause he had to pee, and I opened one eye to see him wagging and stomping at me.. the way my heart feels right now.. the part of my heart that I will never get back because he stole it. I feel so much more than all of the things I just said.. it is so much more.
Thorny is my best friend, and my true love, my son, and will always be these things to me.

My baby dog fought for his life. We watched him struggle through days of sickness and weakness and come out of them swinging. We had time at home with him when everything seemed to be okay.. he was his awesome little punky self, and I cherished those moments and am so glad I did now.. we lost him though.. and it was the hardest yet easiest decision anyone could ever make, to let him go.

The last moments I spent with him, I made sure I scratched his chin, rubbed his belly, kissed his paws, looked into his eyes, snuggled him.. I wanted to remember every tiny little thing about him.. even his puppy smell.. I took it all in.
It reminded me very much of the last time I physically on this earth saw my dad.. he looked around at my house, my surroundings, my life, as if he would never see it again, and he took it in like it was absolutely the most important thing to memorize, ever.
It makes complete sense to me now. Had I completely understood that I was never to see my dad again, I would have done the same thing with him.
But,
I also wanted my dog to understand how much I loved him.. I think he got it.

I wish I could sing to him again. I wish with all of everything inside me I could hold him in my arms, and steal his toy, and tickle him, and play with him, and kiss his little head, and watch him pull all his toys out of the toy box, and listen to him dream, and watch him run down the beach again.

I love you Q. Thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally. I will miss you for the rest of my life.. If you see my dad anywhere, I hope you give him a cuddle. I always wished he could meet you :)

silence

what word
portrays:

the empty day
the mind's reply
to a speechless sigh
the end's beginning
that began,
grinning,
and ended
(in my head)
as it started
(like i said)